pribbles and prabbles

priorities

2012-02-03T13:45:00.003-07:00

I've started and restarted this entry about 100 times this morning. I know what I want to say but not really how to say it. Cleverness isn't pouring out of my brain. I may as well stop beating around the bush.

What I mean to say is, I am grateful for creativity in my life.

I crave it. It's all I want to do and accomplish. I love beautiful things, and words and art and music and acting. You guys. I love acting. I've spent all these years of my life going to school and studying literature and history and knowing things, all with the intention of finding a way to for the rest of my life. But in the midst of school were the day jobs and the social events and the piles of books I continued to pretend like I was reading for fun but I wasn't. I did lots of acting and gained lots of experience and developed invaluable relationships, but to what end? Why?

There were a few months in my junior year that I spent being single cast in She Loves Me, wearing pretty 30s clothes and a great wig, spending every single night and Saturday with people who are so talented that it really hurts my feelings, and I realized-- I could do this. For the rest of my life, I could do this. It was a tiny role in a show I hadn't particularly dreamed of performing my whole life, but that stretch of 2 months proved not only I could give my life to an extreme routine with the same tiny group of people in the same building every single night, but I want to.

And of course, life takes different turns. I went through a little period of seeming un-castability, got married, started to embrace what it means to be a "grown up," and started stressing out so hard that anxiety became my constant companion. I've found more and more opportunities to perform in the last year, but wasn't able to concentrate and appreciate those experiences for what they really were.

With a screeching halt, the "grown up" responsibilities have basically gone out the window. I mean, I think a whole lot about money and cars and trying to find a "responsible" job, but the bottom line is that:

Since October, I have had the chance to focus on creativity and art and acting almost without distraction.

It's almost all I think about. It's what I crave. I miss friends, but not at the expense of having "free time" in the evenings. I am happy to make the commute to West Valley. I am working my dream job, you guys. For the first time in my life, I feel so strongly that the Lord is allowing me some time to reprioritize my commitments, starting with those that are most important to me and fitting in everything else around it.

I am BLESSED.

And the more I look for creative opportunities-- to read and sing and look at art and work on big theatrical projects and find creatively-minded day jobs-- they are there more and more for me.

Art is a jealous world. There can be so much competition and subjectivity and meanness, but it is also the most feeling and fulfilling and wonderful. I have so many chances and places and opportunities to perform and make art-- more than other people who would take my place so fast if I had a bad attitude. I appreciate that, and I am grateful.

For the first time in so long, I'm more and more in love with my life.

up all night

2012-01-20T06:43:00.002-07:00

The truth is, I've been awake all night.

I think my mother will especially raise her eyebrows about it, but it isn't for lack of trying. I watched the end of Whip It that Ames was playing when I got home from West Valley, and then I wrote in my journal, and then I read scriptures, and then I read some of The Glass Castle, and then I tossed and turned and couldn't turn my brain off for a few more hours, and then I finished The Glass Castle, and then I tossed and turned some more as I struggled with how to seriously stop thinking, Brain!-- so I've resigned myself to internet trolling and last night's 30 Rock on demand. I also coughed and blew my nose a bunch of times due to the chest cold.

All of that took like seven hours. What can I do? There's nothing more I can do--except follow 30 Rock with Parks & Recreation and maybe (probably) Up All Night. It would be fitting. I mean, right?

The truth is, this seems to me to be a particularly well-written episode of 30 Rock. Is anyone else with me on this??

No but really, the truth is I think I must be rather "filled with ambition." At least for tonight I've joined the ranks of artists and inventors and writers who are struck with genius or something and stay up nights to work furiously on fulfilling their creative callings in life. Of course tonight I haven't exactly begun direct work on my masterpiece, but I'm excited by creativity and life goals in a way I've been distinctly lacking in recent months.

I can't say I've got a "plan," per se. But I have ambition, and I'm reeling. Clearly.

I'm hoping this doesn't become a habit, but luckily I have a tall stack of books to read my way through just in case.

finally welcome 2012

2012-01-11T12:19:00.002-07:00

Well okay. So I haven't blogged in 1000 years and I was all inspired to update about The Holidays. And then that didn't happen, so I was going to jump on the "Why I Liked 2011" train but felt like I didn't have much to say. And then I thought I could do a round of New Years Resolutions but mine for this year are almost the same as they were last year, which is to say that they're almost the same as they are almost every year (almost).

Mostly I just want to talk about television or whatever.

(PS did you notice the double elevens in today's date? 1/11/12? I LOVE ELEVEN.)

So what I'm saying is I'm uninspired. Perhaps uninspiring? Uh oh!

I figure I should just kick off Year 5 of this blog (five years what the what!) by being grateful, at least, since I've had the chance to take a long hard look at my life lately and I figure-- it ain't too bad. Ain't too bad at all. And then maybe I'll have more interesting and hilarious anecdotes about the mundanities of my life to entertain you.

I think the best thing to happen to me last year was/has been my association at Hale Centre Theatre. I've been blessed with three opportunities to perform there and am stunned by all the incredibly wonderful and talented people I now cherish as my friends. Working up north has also closed the gap between Utah, Salt Lake and even Weber Counties, making a 45 minute-2 hour trip up I-15 just a blink of an eye. I love to work there. I love it.

I'm actually currently working at Hale in a new little show called The Game's Afoot.Now I mean, if you ask the Salt Lake Trib, it isn't a very good little show. But that's not true. It is a good little show, just a new little script, meaning there perhaps was room for the script to be workshopped before production. But it's a good little show! I play an actress from Texas and I wear great hair and a beautiful green dress. I perform Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday nights at 7:30pm and Saturday afternoons at 4pm. Clicky-clicky the picture to buy tickets (which you'll be hard-pressed to do, since they're almost sold out. But come for standby! You'll get seats for sure).

I'm also grateful for RuPaul.SIDE NOTE: Do you watch RuPaul's Drag Race? If you don't, you can find seasons 2 and 3 on Netflix, and season 4 starts in a few weeks. If you're a fan of America's Next Top Model and/or Project Runway, YOU WILL LOVE THIS SHOW.

Anyway, the cats got Ames Ru's book Workin' It! RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Style for Christmas and it's incredibly inspiring. I recommend it to everyone. If you start to see RuPaul quote posters float around pinterest, it'll be because I'm going to create and hang them all over my house (and the internet).

ADDITIONAL SIDE NOTE: Ru is appearing on The Chew this morning. Werq!

I'm also grateful for positive and improving self-image. If you know anything about me, or if you've ever read this blog, you know that my self-image kind of waxes and wanes between killer-awesome-take-over-the-world confidence and somewhat hapless discouragement. While unemployment is growing tiresome in so many ways, the last few months have been really healing. I'm proud of who I am, my talents, my creativity, and the positive changes I'm making in my life.

So happy 2012, one and all! May the new year bring creativity, positivity, and way more blog posts from little ol' me.

PS! We're finally getting around to doing our holiday cards (I'm big into President's Day or whatever). Email me with your address if you'd like one!

hallo

2011-11-28T14:04:00.003-07:00

Oh heyyyyyyy, bloglies. How are you doing? How was your Thanksgiving? What are you up to these days? It's been a while since I've checked in. I mean, I've just been swamped, is all. I've been soooooo tied up sleeping till 11am and trolling pinterest for 3 hours a day and eating 1000 soda cookies and not washing my hair.

Swamped.

But okay, I need to not be self-deprecating because hilarious self-deprecation is only funny for so long, which is partly why I haven't been blogging very much lately. I actually had expected myself to blog a ton over the last month, so it's kind of weird that my Halloween post is only like three entries ago. The good news is that it is due to busy-ness and not a complete lack of motivation or meaning.

I mean, sure, I've had a lot of time to hang out with my kitties and watch a lot of documentaries on Netflix while I yarn my little fingers off, but that's been progressive! I placed 5th overall in the silly little competitive walk/jog I did on Thanksgiving morning (still hate running-- not sure that will ever change, but I'm happy that I ran at least some of it, eh?) and I'm also pretty excited to announce my forthcoming Etsy shop: PRIBBLES & PRABBLES: THE STORE.

Hooray! So now maybe this hobby can pay off a little! Annnnnnnd I'll be offering discounts to those who Follow pribbles & prabbles: the blog. Eyes peeled for that, everybody. All comments and advice is appreciated.

Also, we've had a Christmas tree for three days. Tis the season.

simple happy

2011-11-17T12:55:00.002-07:00

I think the greatest thing to happen to my unemployment is Nick Toons on Netflix.

No, I'm serious.

I had kind of a frazzled morning so I came home to work on my handmade Christmas (only 37 days until then OMG HOW WILL I FINISH EVERYTHING??) and turned on Hey Arnold!, which has made the day infinitely better. Like, inexpressibly better. Like, this is one of the greatest shows ever drawn.

FUN FACT: a ton of the kid voices of Hey Arnold! were also kid voices on Recess, including the original voice of Arnold himself who went on to play King Bob. The more you know!

Few people know/understand how important Nick Toons are to my very core as a human being. Probably only my parents and little sister Lizzy. Sometimes, on long car rides, we'd ask Mom how much longer we'd be in the car and she'd tell us, "Four more Dougs." And then we'd ask, "Like four more individual Dougs, like the 15-minute episodes, or four more Dougs, like the whole 30 minutes?"

I bought the first season of Doug on DVD a while ago. Ames doesn't really get it. It's too bad. I need my someday children to love Doug and Hey Arnold! and Rugrats and all the classics!

Because Nick Toons heal all wounds.

And so do Christmas trees, and we are getting ours the very minute they go on sale at the lot across from Target.

elevenophile

2011-11-13T16:16:00.003-07:00

I have a dilemma on my hands. I mean, I know it's not a big deal but it's something I've been thinking about for the last two days that's really weighing on my mind.

Okay. So you know how people have lucky numbers? And like, people wish on their lucky numbers and they gamble on their lucky numbers and those lucky numbers sometimes are party lucky because they, like, "follow' people around?

Well my lucky number is 11.

I just like 11! I like to fill my gas tank so that I spend money in totals ending in 11 or some multiplication of 11 (like 22 or 33 or 99). The number of times I've TOTALLY UNINTENTIONALLY looked at the clock at 11:11 over the years is really quite startling. And then I make wishes on 11:11 all the time.

Also the word eleven is the most fun number to say. It's the most unique. It's the only "basic" number (that is to say, not followed by -teen or preceded by thirty- or ninty-) that has three syllables. It's the first number to fall in love with itself and demand to be counted twice at the same time.

I just really like 11, okay? It's a thing. No big deal.

Except that on Friday it kind of became a big deal because everyone all over the world was like "OMG IT'S 11:11 on 11/11/11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

TWICE.

ON THE SAME DAY.

And aside from everyone simply feeling the need to update Facebook and Twitter and whatever about the fact (since no one in the world possibly even knew that, especially not elevenophiles...) I just been a little worried about the idea that for one day-- one singular day in a whole entire century!-- that 11 was everyone's favorite number, and everyone was wishing (TWICE!!!!!!!) on 11 and somehow all of those wishes would negate themselves.

Or worse, my little wishes (because duh, I wished twice, are you kidding?) would somehow get lost in the vast universe of lucky number wishes.

WHAT IF THE UNIVERSE DIDN'T HEAR MY WISHES THROUGH ALL OF THE DUEL SHALLOW WISHING?!!!

I mean, I get that I should be celebrating Eleven Awareness or something, and I don't mean to say that all the other wishes are shallow, I'm sorry for saying that, but I could really use the power of the Universe behind me right now is all I'm saying, okay?

I guess I can wish at 12:12 on 12/12/12 next year, and then I'll HOLLA at my Chwelve friends from the good ol' days at Timpview High, and pass my worries to the Twelveophiles who will tooooootally get it next year.

Also, does my admitting that my favorite number is 11 negate it in some superstitious way, like telling people what your birthday cake wishes are or whatever?

OH GREAT.

tables turning

2011-11-08T18:14:00.002-07:00

There are certain sayings in life that we hear a lot.

Calm before the storm.

When it rains, it pours.

Today I am grateful for the four job interviews I have lined up this week. I've been waiting for weeks and even months to land interviews with basically no luck. Now I'm just kind of dumbfounded.

Unemployment is pretty awesome while I've got severance but I'm so so grateful for some hope of impending security.

I am blessed.

howjoo do

2011-10-31T12:45:00.004-07:00

It's Halloween today.

I say this, not because I have anything particularly Halloween-y to contribute, but mostly because I've now lived through 13 days of unemployment. The days kind of blur together a little-- they go by so quickly and at the end of the day I kind of step back and ask myself, "It's 11:45pm already? I've watched how many episodes of Mad Men? I've eaten how many oreos?" And at the same time, it's only been 13 days. Very interesting.

So yes. Today is Halloween-- October 31. I feel like it's been Halloween for weeks and weeks. We don't have major plans tonight aside from our yearly Ghost Hunters Live Episode party with Thai food, and we're going to see our friends perform Macbeth at midnight. I'm kind of done with Halloween lasting all month. I'm a fan of autumn, and I like pumpkins and fall, but Halloween is a holiday to me, not a season. I was raised trick-or-treating on a single night, not five times a week at 1000 Halloween parties. Costumes are exhausting to me this year.

And I get it-- the exhaustion probably stems from the amount of effort it takes to dress up and go to parties and all that, and I'm just so spent putting forth effort in my "real life" that effort for Halloween just isn't there.

Except to eat a pile of individually wrapped Twizzlers last night. But that's easy.

It's interesting how my perceptions have changed since being unemployed. I have so much time to spend with myself, and time really does kind of just pass by if I'm not careful. I've started making To Do lists that include items like:

1. Make the bed.
2. Put away the dishes.
3. Take a shower.
4. Do not eat oreos.

It's all to easy to waste away the day, which makes me feel pretty badly about myself. Writing these lists and then being able to cross off the items---

WAIT A SECOND. I must interrupt myself because the funniest little red cat just climbed on top of me to snuggle for a moment, of her own accord! She is so cute! LOOK AT LUCILLE 2!!Pardon me.

As I was saying, writing lists for myself and then being able to cross off the items on the list makes me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Last week I had lunch with my family at the BYU MOA Cafe, so I got there an hour early and spent an hour looking at art. I LOOKED AT ART. I felt refreshed and happy and inspired like I did in all those museums in Europe.

And today, while I have been watching Ghost Hunters repeats all day on SyFy, I also ate a whole back of Honey BBQ Flavor Twisted Fritos AND I went outside. More importantly, I've been indexing census records and easing myself back into a genealogical mindset. Tomorrow I plan to begin reading The Official Guide to Ancestry.com, and maybe I'll work on the gallery wall in my living room, and also start decorating for Christmastime (because Christmas is a season, like the phrase "the Christmas season," and I'm not going to get a Christmas tree yet, but I need it to be Christmas, okay?).

I'm going to have sparkly silver and aqua-colored trees this year. Is that weird? I don't care if it's weird.

So I mean, I'm making strides in my unemployment! I'm fulfilling myself with art and history and ghosts in the midst of job application rejections and a lack of motivation to exercise! It could be way worse, right?

Yes. Because I have a really nice and cute husband, and a snug little house, and two snuggle cats, and a smart brain.

So how' is your life during my unemployment?

the unemployment project

2011-10-21T23:26:00.002-06:00

Well this has been an interesting week.

Is that an understatement? It might be an understatement. Or an overstatement, actually, now that I'm thinking about it.

It might be an understatement because I've spent the week doing a lot of things like spending all day Wednesday getting ready for the Hale Centre Theatre annual Thank You party (you say "masquerade," I say "how high?"), sleeping till 11am or so, contemplating taking a shower but then ultimately deciding to stay on the couch crocheting and watching Lie to Me on Netflix, and cooing over my kitty cats.

So I guess it hasn't been terribly interesting in and of itself, though the reasons it hasn't been interesting have been kind of interesting. So I guess what I'm saying is:

This has been an uninteresting but very interesting week.

I was laid off on Monday afternoon.

There-- I said it.

And while I'm on the subject of "interesting," being laid off is seriously the most interesting. It's such a strange combination of relief (at least for me, in this case, for a range of reasons) and confusion and rather terrible, wracking inadequacy, all with a nice little cherry on top called "free time." Of course, the free time is also a ticking time bomb considering I've only got a few weeks before I'll be fretting without an income, but I mean that's beside the point.

In general, I basically see this as a blessing. Again, I may be reconsidering that blessing when we are pinching pennies for a car payment in December, but in generalllllllllllllllllllllll I'm trying to really see this as a Divine Intervention and an example of God taking control of a situation I was too afraid to take full responsibility for. He knows my heart, He knows my desires, and He knew I was certainly feeling unfulfilled in my former position. Granted, it may have been nice to have some security before moving on, but at ultimately if I ever had a chance to really take the time to consider what it is I really want to do with my life, this is it.

I'm really seeking a career. I really want to do something I'm good at, that I'm passionate about, and that will make me happy to get to work every day. What is that? I have no idea. If anyone has any ideas, that would be great :)

But in the meantime, I've decided to take this opportunity to really get to know myself and become the best version of myself. I have so many wonderful examples of self-actualization in my life who inspire me and make me want to be as wonderful and inspiring and self-actualizing as them.

I get that I've had ambitions of self-actualization for years now, but now is my time! And if I want to do anything besides watch Neflix (which seriously wouldn't be a problem-- I have a lot of doily projects I want to do and I need something to watch while I do them but maybe it's not the greatest use of my time), I need to make a plan. Which is why I've outlined....

~*~*~*The Unemployment Project*~*~*~

1. Exercise 5x weekly-- 30 mins minimum per day.
2. 15 mins light free weights per hour of TV daily (eh? eh?)
3. Track food intake via sparkpeople.com
4. Make the bed every day
5. Do the dishes every day
6. Do not go to bed with a messy coffee table
7. Finish a book by November 1
8. Empty boxes in the back room (aka The Hoarder Room)
9. Read scriptures and write in gratitude journal each day (for maximum Tude Adjustment)
10. Complete one project by November 15
11. Find a job to make an income AND make me happy.

Cheers, former company. I'd tell you to "eat it," but that would be undiplomatic and quite against the spirit of The Unemployment Project so-- cheers.

Health and happiness SHALL BE MINE!

...and while we're on the subject, know of anyone seeking to hire a fun, hard-working, well-rounded twentysomething who is willing to tackle new challenges with real go-get-em and pluck?

~~happy wednesday~~~

2011-10-12T12:08:00.004-06:00

Today is a much better Wednesday than I had last Wednesday, and it's also a much better Wednesday than this past Sunday, which means today is maybe the best day I've had in a while. There's no specific reason. I'm at work, I'm not fulfilling any life goals, I'm not feeling particularly passionate, but it's a good day and I feel like that's pretty great.

~*~*~*happy wednesday*~*~*~

1. lovely responses i've had to this post

I'm so appreciative of the many comments and responses I had to my most recent blog entry. Not only has it seemed to have cultivated a sense of community in my social circle, it's also opened a number of wonderful dialogues. I am truly amazed by people. I hope to keep at it.

2. ghost hunters, antm, and toddler's & tiaras tonight

I'm banking on the fact that this will also include some form of delicious dinner and mint oreos.

3. doilies

They are so pretty, and fun to make, and I'm making a billion so I can hang them on my wall. Then I will take a picture of them on my wall and then everyone on pinterest will be obsessed with it and my creativity will take over the world. I get that crocheting doilies may make a grandma before my time, but after taking over pinterest, this honky grandma be trippin.

4. parks & recreation

BUT REALLY, YOU GUYS.

5. pond's classic cold cream

I'm not kidding-- I'm a honky grandma. I crochet doilies and wash my face with cold cream. And it is the most lovely, moisturizing, smells-like-roses delight of my life.

What's happy about your Wednesday?

why i believe

2011-10-10T10:32:00.005-06:00

So okay. Last night I stayed up much later than I expected/intended, and I wrote this rather angsty blog while watching the last few episodes of Steve Carell on The Office and how it was giving me legitimate anxiety to watch it-- not because Michael Scott gives me anxiety but because no Michael Scott and a change in the balance of the fictional world of Dunder Mifflin gives me anxiety and also maybe I'm prone to anxiety lately, which is turning out to be a real son of a gun to overcome. This blog post was about facing fears and kind of a cosmic look into What is my Purpose in life? and it's probably a good thing for all of you, dear readers, that I got so annoyed/nervous about my own angst and nerves that I saved but didn't post it.

What kind of place am I in my life where fretting about Michael Scott (or lack there of) is how I project my own Real Life anxiety into an mild-but-hours-long anxiety episode?

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY ANXIETY. My point here is that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, largely about The Point of All This Living. Luckily, I'm blessed enough to know that my life does have purpose. I have a firm belief that the world is not filled with coincidence, we do not live only to die, and that this life is just one step toward achieving a Higher Purpose. How bleak life must be to those who do not believe in an Afterlife or a loving God or Being or Presence that is aware and mindful of little tiny me?

I mean, if that's your belief, more power to you. But for me personally, to think that I am just a bunch of particles living on a big great slab of earth matter and will return to that earth matter without any Purpose-- what's the point? Why try? Why learn? Why contribute or grow or change the world? It is bleak. It is scary and lonesome. It is cynical.

And I guess that's why I'm so nervous all the time lately-- because I'm at a very real crossroads in my life and I'm not sure what direction to go. I know the ultimate end-- to return to a loving Heavenly Father who will welcome me back into His presence-- but how do I get there? What's next? I know the minutia of religious observance-- read the scriptures, pray, be a good person, help other people-- but on a grander scale, what do I do next? I'm not sure. But it's okay. Maybe last night it didn't feel okay, and yesterday morning, and a handful of other times over the last few months it didn't feel okay, but this morning-- right now-- it's okay. And I'm okay.

I know that we are watched and cared for by a God who has provided a way for us to return to Him. I know that there is more to our existence than this life and we are meant to be exalted. I am so glad that this business of families and children and generations isn't meaningless and that we all get to hang out together in heaven forever and ever and ever, and so unspeakably grateful for the living Christ who was resurrected to make our salvation a reality. All this makes this moment in time worth it-- it gives meaning to my uncertainty and discomfort. Even if I don't know what to do with myself now, I know what to do with myself on a higher level, and it makes the struggle worth it.

I know not everyone believes what I do. I'm not stupid enough to be ignorant of that, and I'm not stupid enough to tell other people they're wrong. If you don't believe in God, fine. If you don't believe in an Afterlife, that's also fine. If you don't believe in eternity or divine worth or the institution of marriage or whatever, by all means, that is up to you. But this is what helps me get through the day. It helps me push through this time when I feel like I don't have much purpose in my life except to simply be a daughter of a God who wants me to be happy. It would make me miserable beyond words to think that my marriage is limited, and my capacity for reason and learning has no purpose, and that my talents and interests and abilities are for nothing. I believe it because I can't not believe it. I believe it for my ability to keep living. I believe it because I must.

And you know, when there's a sweet, warm cat snuggled at the end of your bed in the middle of a dark night, who sighs happily when you pet him and then licks your forehead as if to say, It's okay, how can it not be?

I am blessed. I am worthy. I am smart. I am doing my best. I am filled with light.

I am grateful.

Oh and I'm a Mormon. Not a member of a cult! CLICKY CLICKY!

~~happy wednesday~~~

2011-09-28T12:06:00.002-06:00

Last night, for the first time in so long I don't care to think about it, I sat down and had a very long, in-depth scripture study. It made me feel really good about myself, and in combination with the increasingly autumnal weather, and red lipstick, and a renewed interest in getting dressed in real clothes, I think it's the most Happy Wednesday I've seen in a while.

~*~*~* happy wednesday *~*~*~

1. nail polish in speedy hot tamale to match lipstick in flame.
I sure love coral-y, orange-y reds these days. I'm learning to embrace boldness and remember that I'm only as cool as I think I am. It's a mindset. If I want to be as cool as fashion bloggers and the all-star cast of America's Next Top Model, I need to just go on and rock it. Think, Professor, think!

2. wearing my cat-eye glasses.
Maybe it's that I've been watching Mad Men (finally), but really I think it's just that the heat of summer is passing and I don't want to tear them off my overheating-in-the-desert face anymore. And they were only like $25 at my favorite online glasses store.

3. my funny snuggle cats, trevor and lucille 2.
They are the cutest. They don't really get along because Lucille 2 is a terrible bully (which is actually kind of funny sometimes), but last night they both slept on the bed for almost the whole night! I never knew I could love a cat. Now I love two. If you come to our party, maybe you'll meet them.

4. we're having a party.
It celebrates cardigans and involves really yummy food, and we might play Werewolf. I keep plugging it, so obvs I'm excited. Be there.

5. i have really talented people in my life.
I'm kind of overwhelmed by it lately. Of course, on the one hand it makes me feel very small-- which is, I suppose, means I'm just feeling humbled. And that is good. But on the other hand, I'm just filled with pride to associate with such wonderful folks. I'm a lucky girl!

What's going on in your Happy Wednesday?

busting the habit

2011-09-26T13:06:00.004-06:00

I think the world's most exquisite sandwich must be chicken salad (with grapes) on croissant. Tell me I'm wrong! It's perfection!

It's... perfection.

How does the world's most exquisite sandwich fit into a juice fast? Well, okay, it doesn't really. But what it is, is indicative. The fact that a relatively healthful, handmade chicken salad sandwich is what I'm craving by way of solid food means that I've made some very great strides in overcoming some major food additions.

So okay, maybe I really still love bread, and I still love nachos, and I really love chips, but I can drive down the street without having to mentally talk myself out of stopping for the french fries and chicken snack wraps. In fact, they don't usually sound even that appetizing. Usually.

Boom.

Also, I've become brave enough to start tucking selected shirts into selected pairs of pants, which is an indication of improved self-image.

#nailingit

Don't forget, everyone-- we're having a party this weekend and it will be very fun, with great cardigans and food and friends and maybe a few rounds of Werewolf. BE THERE.

OH! AND! The blog is quickly approaching 43,000 hits. LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN PEEPS!

i am having a party

2011-09-22T12:12:00.004-06:00

(click to enlarge)

all are welcome.

cardigans required.

day 10 - 159.8 lbs

love fall

2011-09-21T13:38:00.002-06:00

Do you know what the greatest thing about the fall is?

I mean aside from the layered clothing and boots and leaves and crispy air and Falloween decorations in my house all leading up to Christmas and snow-- besides all that?

Television.

No better way to kick off my 25th year and this season of all the greatest shows than with the Emmy Awards this weekend, during which I have never been more inspired to be a television actress. Think of all the shows we have to look forward to!

America's Next Top Model!

30 Rock!

Grey's Anatomy!

PARKS AND RECREATION!!!

And so, so many more.

Last night I also had the pleasure of catching my dear friend Greg on Raising Hope, and New Girl was pretty funny (although I've got a blog brewing about my dissatisfaction with the growing number of plots based around totally awesome and super quirky girls who eat like crap and are magically skinny and so totally adorable with their super weird clothes and adorable anti-social behavior and clever pop culture references).

I did watch Glee even though I've decided I'm basically OVER IT. It's just not very interesting to me anymore aside from the kids from The Glee Project showing up this season. The Glee Project is interesting to me. And even though I hated her on The Glee Project, give it up for Lindsay and her killer mash-up of "Anything Goes/Anything You Can Do" (and the brilliant editing that smoothed over her fake tap dancing).

In other non-TV related news, I juiced a nectarine this morning. It didn't result in very much juice (even though it was the juiciest, ripest nectarine ever in existence), but it did provide a touch of tang to my apple/pear/carrot mix.

Even though I was off the juice for a few days, I just need to tell you how much better I feel about my health and my appearance when I've got a few glasses of juice in me each day. I don't feel overstuffed. Even when I eat solid food in addition to juice, I don't eat as much, and my stomach feels empty, even though I'm satisfied. I don't feel quite so thick in the middle, do you know what I mean?

Also, I've noticed I sleep better. I don't toss and turn quite so much, I fall asleep more quickly and with less anxiety. Isn't that weird? To have anxiety when trying to go to sleep? I guess I just mean I can more easily "shut off my brain" so I fall asleep real fast without thinking about a thousand things (which is what makes me anxious). So that's good. I want to keep sleeping well.

Cheers to television, fall, and more juicing.

Day 9 -- 160.2 lbs

back on track

2011-09-20T10:02:00.003-06:00

I'm back from hiatus, everybody.

Obvs I've been gone for a while-- I had to go to Vegas for a work trip and then yesterday was my birthday (OMG I FEEL SO OLD). Needless to say, this means I've been off the juice for almost a week. And I've managed to gain back 4.5 lbs of what I lost. But it's ok! Because I didn't gain it all back, and a lot of this is birthday-food weight (since it's okay to eat Thai food and Chili's and tutti-frutti jelly bellies all in the same day on your birthday) and I'm excited to get back to feeling healthy.

I guess that's been the most interesting part of going off the fast for my trip. I started to ween off last Wednesday night-- I had my first full meal (1 spicy tuna roll and 1 small bowl of miso soup) and felt pretty ok. I didn't feel overfull, and my body wasn't too terribly mad about digesting. Thursday I did my best to take is slow throughout the day, but Thursday night we went to a buffet at the Las Vegas Convention Center Hilton. Though I really didn't overdo it, my body was angry the next morning.

Which is obviously why I followed up with the nachos platter at Cabo Wabo that evening. Duh.

It was so much food. Again, I didn't even finish all of it (that would have been disgusting of me had I finished it all by myself) but my stomach felt all full and stretched out in a way that I've become really unused to. I didn't like it.

Saturday and Sunday I did much better by way of portions and I avoided feeling overstuffed, but I didn't do too well in the quality of food I was eating. And then yesterday, like I said, I had Thai food and Chilis and jelly bellies and also Pringles. I just love Pringles. But at least they were the reduced fat kind (which obviously meant I could eat almost the whole can almost by myself in three days, amiright?).

This morning I began with a juice of two oranges and a pear. It was delicious to my taste and I'm sooooo looking forward to getting rid of the junk I've managed to put back in my system so easily.

Day 8 (or whatever) -- 162.5 lbs

faqs

2011-09-13T08:41:00.006-06:00

I must begin today by admitting a bit of a defeat. Well, I guess I can't call it a defeat because it just is what it is and I'm taking my health very seriously. The whole point of Juice Fast 2011 is to take my health seriously, which I haven't done in a very long time. The bottom line is that I have a thyroid disease. This isn't new-- I've been treating it for 5.5 years and I've mentioned it here a few times. It's kind of a big deal, but given access to good doctors and observant friends and family, it's not very terrible to handle.

However, though my symptoms have been in remission for almost a year, I've had some cause lately to go back on a very low dose of medication to help curb some symptoms. This fact is the reason why I cannot attempt to proceed with Juice Fast 2011 in what should be its most basic, natural form.

This is not to say that I'm giving up completely. I've done a lot of research and I still feel strongly that some small adaptations to this method will continue to benefit my health and assist me in healing my body. I still hope this may help to put me even further into remission. Juice fasting is aiding me in being more aware of how much dairy I eat (or don't), for example, and dairy can mess with my hormone levels, etc etc etc. I figure this is good knowledge, even if I have to "cheat" sometimes in order to actually embrace a full level of health for my body in its current state.

So there's that.

Now that I'm a week into The Experiment, I've been inundated with questions (and opinions and advice and all kinds of comments, both positive and negative). I've received many expressions of encouragement and a few expressions of concern regarding my protein intake. I figure I may as well collectively address some of the things I have learned.

Please note: my research has gone beyond simply watching the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. While it was certainly inspiring to me, and definitely an informative and motivating tool in this experiment, I wouldn't dream of pursuing a lifestyle that could potentially screw with my health without having more facts at hand.

1. Is this healthy?
Yes. It's basically a vegan/sugar-/grain-free lifestyle. While I haven't been yet, ever-popular nuts (in the form of nut milk) can be introduced to provide additional nutrients and forms of energy. The goal is to empty the body of foreign, non-digestible matter found in most of our food these days-- especially in my (former?) diet of processed, enriched fast food. By embracing clean, raw foods in a liquidized state, the digestive tract is able to recoup and physically rest, allowing all that toxic sludge to exit the body. It helps to break destructive food addictions. Oh, and it's a completely healthy way to lose weight.

2. Yeah, but is it HEALTHY?
Yes. Picture yourself eating an apple. Yummy, right? Kind of sticky, if it's juicy. That apple, while delicious, takes a lot of energy to bite and chew. Further, it takes a lot of energy to then digest. Being solid, it takes even more energy for the body to absorb the nutrients and make them useful. There are also parts of that apple that are relatively inedible (the core) but which hold additional nutrients. Also at least some of that sticky juice ended up down your chin and all over your hands and maybe dripped onto your shirt. This results in only about 70% of the potential useful energy in that apple able to be absorbed into the body.

Conversely, when you pull out the stem of that apple and juice it right up whole, avoid energy wasted by chewing and digesting, providing all the nutrients in a liquid (and therefore absorptive) form, all parts of the apple now made edible, the body is able to immediately intake up to 99% of the available nutrients.

So yeah. It's pretty healthy.

3. But losing more than 2lbs per week isn't healthy.
Sure it is, if your body has more than 2lbs per week to lose. Not every one will lose 20+ lbs in a week like the gentlemen in the documentary, or even 6.6 lbs like I have (having not stuck to the method 100%). The first time I signed up with Weight Watchers I lost about 6lbs in a week, and many people continue to lose at a rate higher than 2lbs per week. The difference is, solid food weighs more. Liquids move through you more quickly, and by allowing all the nutrients to be absorbed in your system, most of the liquids moving through are just water.

By not eating solid foods, the body is able to tap into those fat stores that are so popularly talked about-- the very same ones HCG and other diets attempt to dig into. Humans (especially overweight humans) have stores of energy that inable them to potentially survive for weeks, even months, without solid food. (NOTE: But you can't survive without water!!) It's instinctual and primitive. And healthy.

4. But you're not eating, so it's not healthy!
Stop telling me that. I am eating, and it's healthy. In each juice I'm having the equivalent of 3-6 portions of fruit and vegetables. 3-6 portions x 3 daily servings = 9-18 portions of fruit and vegetables. These are full meals. I'm currently drinking 1.5 cups of spinach, 3 large carrots, 1 pear, and 1.5 cups of grapes. That's a lot of food! Try eating it physically and tell me you aren't full.

Certainly there's a difference between feeling full the way you do when you eat solid food versus feeling full of juice. It is definitely a relearning process. But seriously, it's more a mental thing than it is physical. There's a certain level of fear wrapped in social stigma smothered in personal food habits. People have been fasting for thousands of years for religious, cultural and health purposes. It's healthy. It allows the body to naturally heal. I'm moving forward with my life, guys, not stepping back or promoting eating disorders.

5. Is it filling?
Yeeeees...? Yes. It is. It's just different. The first few days (as I mentioned) I felt like I was going completely crazy. Turns out, a little touch of the crazies is a normal part of the process as we try to understand toxins leaving the body and giving up a comfortable, ingrained dependence on food and chewing. I'm trying to be very in tune with my body to understand the difference between physical hunger and bored hunger. I'm bored-hungry a lot-- I've always known that. This is a really, really good exercise in breaking my bored-hungry habits. I'm glad about that.

6. What about those proteins?
What about them? Frankly I wasn't terribly concerned about getting proper amounts of proteins before this diet, why should I now?

Sarcasm aside, I'm serious. The pursuit of protein is kind of a fad-filled journey. Sure, you need protein, but there's protein in fruit and vegetables, so I'm getting protein. Also protein, by its nature, is a building block-- builds up cells, builds up muscles, builds up the body. Body builders and weight lifters need protein to built up muscles. I am not either of those things nor do I want to focus on building muscles this month. In a single month, the body I have built will not deteriorate into a puddle.

A good example is comparing protein to the wood that builds a house. Once the house is built, do you need to continue piling on wood in order to clean the house? No. That would potentially mess with the foundation of the house and/or the inside of your house would look like a hoarder, making it very difficult to clean. I'm cleaning my body right now, not building. I'll return to pretending like I care about proteins after I've sufficiently cleaned out my system.

7. What kinds of things do/can you juice?
All kinds of things. Basically any water-based fruit or vegetable can go right into the juicer whole (this means no banana, avocado, etc). No need to peel most things except orange peels (but the white rind is good-- even watermelons can go in with the peel) or like cantaloupe. Cantaloupe and honeydew are kind of hard because they have to be just perfectly ripe or else they're kind of worthless, but the cantaloupe I juiced yesterday was TASTY. Berries don't juice terribly well (especially strawberries) because it's hard to separate the pulp from the juice which means you don't get a lot out of juicing them, but I like do dump in a cup of blueberries or blackberries because of the antioxidants. Best to add berries to other, more plentiful juices rather than trying to make a blueberry juice base, for example. Oh and peel a pineapple. Duh.

As I've mentioned, I'm working up to working with more greens, which are real real good for you. Spinach is very sweet, as are carrots, so that helps to avoid squinching my nose over bitter tastes. Cucumbers, celery, kale, tomatoes, sweet potatoes-- all good. Will keep you updated with more recipes as I have them. There are great recipes and resources all over the interweb and libraries. Easy.

Oh. No pits in the juicer. 1) They're bad for the juicer. 2) They can be poisonous, which is bad for your body.

Again: use ginger at your own discretion/risk. Also, a little lemon goes a long way.

8. How long are you "supposed" to do this?
It depends what your goals are. People can go for months and months and months in this form of fasting. This isn't without a bit of practice however, to say the least. This is another reason why I'm embracing the idea of a modified fast. It's hard. It's hard mentally, and it's hard physically. It requires discipline and dedication.

Fasts can last one day, three days, ten days, or more. What I plan to do from now on is a combination of one- to three-day fasts. Anyone who's been on Weight Watchers or other "diets" knows that varying your meals and exercise plans is what really seems to work best-- never letting your body get "used" to a real pattern. Obviously a longer fast is going to have more immediate, long-term results, but for someone like me (for example), doing a series of 1-3 day fasts with some (hopefully) healthful breaks between for 30 days seems as if it will yield more realistic, if slower, results.

9. Who should juice fast?
Anyone, but with careful consideration of contributing factors such as stress, work, medical conditions, etc. It's like other diet plans but with less emphasis on exercise. You should exercise to help release those toxins, but don't plan on training for a marathon. The idea is to NOT starve. Bodies should not shut down, you should not have a fainting spell, and you shouldn't abuse the idea of "not eating." It's an emotional and spiritual cleanse too (seriously, it is-- had a random come-apart when I broke my tablespoon the other day. It was surprising, but explainable). DO YOUR RESEARCH before diving in.

10. Doesn't "fast" mean you aren't eating?
Correct. A juice fast perhaps isn't the purest form of fasting (that would be a water fast, where you don't have anything but water, which is scary and waaaaaay too dedicated than I could ever be, I think), but it is "pure" in the sense that the goal is to not eat solid foods. So go on-- think you're fancy pants for catching me in a lie, but it's not really. Also, I invite you to try this before you tell me I'm cheating by drinking juice.

There are a ton of great resources available about juice fasting. I recommend specifically is the book Juice Fasting & Detoxification by Steve Meyerowitz. It's been interesting to hear peoples' responses and questions to this journey of mine, and I appreciate the motivation to keep going. What else do you want to know?

Day 7 -- 158.4 lbs

head in the game

2011-09-12T08:25:00.003-06:00

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I cheated this weekend. What? Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Fine, well-- I admit it. I cheated. I ate solid food. And it wasn't very good for me. There. I said it. And I didn't want to blog about it, okay? Sue me.

There were even witnesses! Multiple! Plenty of witnesses! What can I do-- pretend like it didn't happen? Blame my (slight) weight gain on "nature?"

Nope. It happened. I ate 1.5 (small) pieces of pizza, a cup of raman cabbage salad, about six bites of seven-layer bean dip on tortilla chips, some carrots and melon (go me), a babybel cheese wedge, one pumpkin chocolate chip cookie, one tinsy bite of chocolate cake, one half a cup of macaroni and cheese, and a cup of Special-K Berries cereal.

The truth is that I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. The smell of pulp was going to make me barf (A) and frankly, I just needed to prove to myself exactly how beneficial juicing is (B). I'm happy to tell you that I've readjusted to the smell of pulp and I didn't want to die when I was cleaning the juicer this morning, and it's been immediately clear how good juicing is for me.

Example: some of my digestive problems are apparently dairy-related. One half cup of macaroni and cheese and one half cup of skim milk with my cereal was enough to turn me back into the Queen of Indigestion. So. Now we know.

The good news is that I didn't completely undo the progress I had made in three days. But it's also a real eye opener in terms of how much of these foods I can (or can't) put in my body before it begins to make a difference. Unfortunately I still crave the nachos and I am so so proud of myself for not eating a whole half of a pizza (there are three in the fridge-- long story), but feeling rather intestinally unclear this morning, shall we say, definitely makes me reevaluate in a big way. Like, I kind of finally get it now when I think of my friends who I used to think eat like birds, taking just a tinsy bit of everything and somehow calling it "dinner." Well. That's much better for you, isn't it?

And I have to say, there's something empowering about fasting after the first few days are over. Saturday morning I woke up feeling skinny, and didn't have any desire to ruin that skinny (till 6pm and I saw the pizza-- but that was a conscious choice I promise!!!!). I went an extra few hours before having a morning juice because it just felt good for my body to feel empty. Does that make any sense without making me sound like I have an eating disorder (because clearly I do not)?

This morning I'm having a cantaloupe/apple/pineapple tasty and I've actually got a lunch that I will actually drink instead of throwing out-- spinach/cantaloupe/apple/blueberry/grape. I'm back in the game, everybody.

Day 6-- 159.0 lbs

-6.4 lbs what the whaaaaaat

2011-09-10T10:10:00.003-06:00

I'm at a bit of a loss what to say today. I'm not feeling crazy, I am feeling a tinsy bit weak-willed, and I am not very hungry. Headaches are basically gone and I'm starting to actually feel some weight loss happening. Pants are looser!!

And I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock again lately. My desire to star on a wacky sitcom grows daily.

I haven't had any juice today, but yesterday I had a tasty combination of 2 oranges and a pear. YUMMO = $1.26

Day 4 - 158.6 lb

day 3 - back up off of that cray-cray

2011-09-09T08:34:00.004-06:00

Okay so maybe I really was a crazy person yesterday afternoon. You've got to understand, I had this crazy headache on the very top of my head and I was having a little food-related come-apart. For my theater-going friends, you know "The Bride's Lament" in The Drowsy Chaperone where Janet is singing about the monkey and then has a nervous breakdown and everyone in the cast has monkey faces and they're all dancing around her? That's what my afternoon was like, only it was food dancing around me-- nachos and PB&J and an especially cruel spicy tuna roll.

I hopped on the fruit juice train last night though, and feel much better about life. Ames and I (finally) saw Crazy, Stupid, Love to distract ourselves, and then I actually kind of fell asleep before 10:30! I slept great last night, and while I didn't get up in time to "get ready" this morning, I see the potential is there and I'm excited. I hope to get dressed with purpose each day next week.

The somewhat swift turn around from leading the Cuckoo Parade to a real feeling of mellow calmness kind of startled me. It made me take a cold, hard look at the fact that I am simply addicted to food. In the midst of it, all I could think about was changing my goal, replanning the next 30 days to include breaks, literal worrying about how I could possibly be social without involving Applebees or whatever.

Whoa, self. This crazy is not an attractive color on you. Step away from the hysteria.

But really. All I could do was weigh what food items I wanted to eat more-- what I was willing to "cheat" with. I've developed a very strange dependence that is definitely not okay. Sure, most of my eating revolves around social events, but how frequently do I run to the warehouse for work or to the bank or any number of errands and decide between a snack from Wendy's, Taco Bell, or the Target food court (soft pretzel combo $2 please hollaaaaaa!)? This unhealthy relationship with food and eating is what needs to be detoxed right now, so much more than my weight does. Even now, with a much clearer head, I feel generally like I'm never going to eat again. And that fills me with a hint of woe.

We're going to work seriously on that over the next few weeks. Yeesh.

I can't say that my body feels great as a result of this fast, but I can say I've become notably less pessimistic in the last few days. Is that the detox or is it a (somewhat) willing resignation to the things I can't control in my life (namely, work trips)? I'm not sure. Maybe a bit of both. But I'll take it. I'll let the poisonous attitude drain out of me with the non-digestible, foreign matter from my diet.

Last night's juice: 1 pear, 1 apple, 1 cup blueberries, 1/2 lb grapes. DELICIOUS = $4.91.

This morning's happy: 1 pear, 1 apple, 1/2 cup blackberries, 1/2 pineapple. TASTY = $4.72

Day 3 - 159.8 lbs

how food makes me mad

2011-09-08T08:18:00.004-06:00

Imma be straight up with you right now:

Yesterday suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

I definitely expected the headache/nausea/general feeling of gloom and doom, but I didn't expect it to come on quite so quickly. Am I just a pansy? It's possible. Did I simply make a cucky recipe for my lunch? Definitely yes.

At any rate, by the time I got home after work, I was tired, gloomy, and felt an impending headache that I knew would reach epic proportions (and oh, it did). I didn't even drink my juice dinner. Now I know that was probably a poor choice in that it probably would have taken away some of the nausea associated with hunger and helped with any dehydration (certainly a factor which I'm taking much more seriously today), but I felt like I'd just barf it right up.

On the bright side, my Wednesday night TV lineup is shaping up quite nicely for the fall-- Ghost Hunters, Toddlers & Tiaras, and Dance Moms all last night, and I can look forward to America's Next Top Model starting next week. Also I watched the Salt Lake Pride episode of Rosanne's Nuts, which was actually quite entertaining and made me proud to be a Utahn.

What's interesting is that as I sat there in my foggy misery, fighting the urge to sneak a fistful of cinnamon Life cereal out of the pantry because who would find out?!!, I was suddenly acutely aware of inundation of food commercials. Fast food, snack food, even "healthy" food like yogurt, low-calorie cereals and chocolate-covered granola, all for 160 calories or less. We are so obsessed with "eating right" but at the end of the day, I don't want to be counting calories. What kind of life is that? What kind of pleasure is derived from that? "Watch your weight by eating whole grain Cheerios. Watch your weight by eating this Wendy's salad. Watch your weight by indulging in snacks." All of these messages tell me that I should be watching my weight by eating. WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN?

In addition, the number of commercials for vitamins, supplements, fiber powders, and pain medication is kind of astonishing. Not only should I eat to watch my weight, I should take additional pills to give me the nutrients I'm missing in the food I'm eating (to watch my weight). Why aren't the foods I'm supposed to eat to lose weight providing me proper nutrients so I don't have to take a supplement?

I get that my preferred diet of nachos, potato chips and chicken go-wraps aren't nutritionally sound. But at least shouldn't all this touted "healthy" food be nutritionally sound?

It was all very interesting. I wouldn't be surprised if part of my sour mood was related to this realization. And now I'm sipping on an apple/pear/carrot juice that's really quite tasty. And it was (maybe) all worth it to see the numbers on the scale this morning.

Day 2 -- 160.8 lbs

I'd say that's a rather inspiring start to this experiment.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

.2PM UPDATE.

I've arrived at the gate to Crazy Town, everybody. I'm standing there, looking right in at all the loons and feeling sympathetic. I'm almost one of them.

Turns out the gloom of Day 1 hasn't subsided like I had hoped. No amount of remembering how I lost 4.2lbs overnight will lift my spirits, no amount of pinning pictures of pretty clothes I'll soon fit into will soothe my woes. I took one sip of my lunch and shivered with a gag. I'm wussing out!!!!

NO I AM NOT.

What I am finding is that the finicky in me is trying to take control. It's okay, body! You still like fruit! You don't have to drink the weird vegetables (yet)! I need me some grapes ASAP. I will live off of them, and apples, and pears, and carrots, if I must!

How do you think a puree of spicy tuna rolls would taste...?

No?

Wah.

Thank you Hilary for pinning this motivation just when I need it most.

day 1 - it begins

2011-09-07T09:49:00.002-06:00

Today I feel like this (about juicing, not an open marriage-- to be clear):

Yesterday we went and rather blindly made our way through the produce department at Winco, trying to figure out exactly what items we need for the next two days or so, for both of us, for recipes we haven't tried (I have been a rather picky eater in my day, so this is kind of uncomfortable territory). We spent exactly $26.26 on produce, figuring it will get us through the next 2.5 days or so. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully? Who even knows.

We test ran a batch of fresh apple juice made with... actual fresh apples. Crazy, right?

And guess what it tasted like?

Actual, fresh apples.

My mind is blown. I don't even have babies yet and I already want to die at the thought of buying expensive Mott's apple juice instead of crushing up my own for their someday bottles. Only four little apples resulted in a 16oz glass of juice with nothing added. Oh brave new world!

A word about The Juicer.

We got the Jack Lalanne Power Juicer Pro (AS SEEN ON TV!). We had been looking at the Breville Juice Fountain Plus but we wanted to get cracking, and Bed, Bath & Beyond had it for a pretty good price, so we just went with it. Also, it's as seen on tv, so how can you go wrong, ammarite?

And for a second Arrested Development reference in a single post, Martin Short's character UNCLE JACK is based on the real-life Jack Lalanne, who was a bodybuilder and fitness guru. So if you're wondering if this image will make me giggle every single day, you're right on the money.

So okay, this morning we got up and made some juice. First we made "lunch," which resulted in much more juice than we expected it to-- two servings really. Kale, cucumber, apples, celery, lemon, and a tiny bit of ginger. I'm thinking there's too much cucumber, not enough kale. Look at me! I'm already nutrient conscious! Then we made breakfast: two servings of two pears, apple and ginger.

Word to the wise: a little bit of ginger goes a long way.

I'm not sure what we'll have for dinner-- probably something with more greens, maybe a smidge of citrus? We'll see.

As promised, I'm going to chronicle my daily weight loss because that is among my motivating factors in this experiment. I also want to keep a running total of how much I spend on food because I can already tell I'm going to have a lot more money in the bank at the end of the month than I otherwise would.

And so (even though I'm somewhat embarrassed by what I've gained back over the last year)...

Day 1-- 165.0 lbs.
Money spent (as of 10:30AM)-- $5.01

on your mark - get set

2011-09-06T16:16:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is the Big Day.

Tomorrow begins JUICE FAST 2011.

Yesterday we got our juicer, today we're taking recipes to the grocery store for our first shopping trip, and tomorrow-- we begin.

My goal is to juice for at least 30 days straight. In another time (meaning, a week ago) this seemed like a monumental undertaking. In fact, a week ago I only planned to go ten days at a time and reevaluate after each ten days. But since it has been 8 days since my last Diet Coke and still going very strong, I'm going to commit to 30 days.

September 7 - October 6.

I hate to set out with a stipulation, but I will confess, I do plan to "cheat" one single evening to celebrate my birthday. I'm having a party at some point (who knows when, due to mumblegrumble work trips) and I am going to have some nachos for turning 25, darn it. But you know, I saw this on pinterest today and it rang true, even though I haven't even started yet:

Turning 25 is not a thing to "reward" myself for, particularly because so many people turn 25. It's not a rite, it's not an achievement, and even if it were either of those things, a "reward" in the form of nachos (while delicious) doesn't sit right with me. I look forward to this continued understanding of what I put into my body and why.

Note: but I will still eat nachos for my birthday. Because I like them.

ANYWAY.

Juice Fast 2011. Tomorrow is Day 1. Get excited about some updates regarding my progress. I'm keeping track of my weight and inches lost over here on the right ------> I'm already feeling peaceful and in control.

I can't wait to heal my body a little and maybe a little bit of my spirit too.

kicking a habit

2011-08-31T11:04:00.005-06:00

If you haven't been able to tell from my recent tweets (which you can find right over there on the right column ----->, or you can just FOLLOW ME), I quit Diet Coke this week.

That's right. You read it correctly.

I am no longer drinking Diet Coke.

I quit cold turkey on Tuesday. I haven't had a single drop which, if any of you know me at all, is a rather large achievement. Like, a monumental achievement. If I'm Niel Armstrong, not drinking Diet Coke is my moon walk.

I mean, I get it. It's only been 2.5 days. But I'm really adapting some addicts mottos in my life and trying to focus on the "one day at a time" bit. I can only do this one day at a time. And in the scheme of things, long term is not something I can really focus on at the moment.

Let me tell you about what spurred this relatively sudden decision. I was facing this choice anyway with the impending Juice Fast, but the other day, I was at work and suddenly my whole body kind of seized up and I had trouble breathing and my hands were shaking and I was sweating all over and I was in such terrible pain I can't even explain it to you.

(If I'm being honest, my mind went straight to that place where I thought I might be featured on the next episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, since the pain kind of came in a few waves and I'd never felt that kind of intense pressure in my whole back and torso before. Needless to say, I'm sitting here almost three days later having not birthed a child, but I think it's kind of a funny hindsight-y kind of anecdote and definitely indicative of the way media affects my thought process. It's possible I should consider a media fast next.)

ANYWAY. I drove myself down to Urgent Care (because I'm a hands-on, DIY kind of gal) where Ames met me and I was tested for kidney stones because all my vitals were 100% normal, in spite of the fact that I was convinced my heart was racing out of my chest. No kidney stones. Oh, just turns out I was having a Panic Attack.

...'scuse me?

Now listen. This whole story may be considered TMI at this point-- being only 72 hours since it all happened-- and my family is probably shaking their heads disparagingly as I over-share my life, but I have a point here.

My point is that, while panic attacks are somewhat common, they are in no way normal. And while I'm investigating a number of other contributing causes as to why this all-of-a-sudden happened, the fact is I've been making choices in my life that have made me more prone to this sort of thing. One of those choices: over-consumption of Diet Coke and caffeine.

This is an example of how being cavalier and super awesome about the bad things I eat and drink is NOT trendy or cute or hilarious.

So here I am. Luckily, by the time My Episode happened on Tuesday morning I hadn't had any Diet Coke that day, and I decided in that doctor's office that I was going to quit cold turkey-- that I was going to follow in the footsteps of my fantastically inspiring pipe-smoking grandfather who walked into a doctor's office one day to find a (benign) spot on his lip and quit right there on the spot, after decades and decades of smoking.

I mean, I feel like Grandpa Dab (affectionately known as Bop-Bop, if you're feeling nosy) could relate to my hobby-not-habit since he went so far as to include his pipe in his headshot.

But really. I sound so overly dramatic comparing Diet Coke to tobacco, but this is my health on the line here. Time for a drastic wake-up call to my system.

So far, it hasn't been terribly drastic. Mildly drastic, but not terribly. Right now this moment I'm staving off headaches which are totally to be expected. I feel much better about staving off headaches than encouraging my body to sustain another episode that makes me feel like I'm dying. So. There's that.

We haven't started the juicing yet, but I'm looking forward to it more than ever. It's probably better to have started this process with this step and then move on to removing all preservatives without shocking myself into oblivion. I have a serious dependence on preservatives, guys.

Correction:

I HAD a serious dependence on preservatives. NO LONGER!!

And in the meantime, it's amazing to me how wonderful and calming and happy my "Judy Garland" channel on Pandora is making me today. Just wonderful.

So what beverages (other than water, duh) do you suggest in lieu of the Diet Coke?

a change

2011-08-29T08:43:00.003-06:00

Something shocking has happened.

Through the years-- especially as folks like Liz Lemon have made it trendy and cute and hilarious-- I've developed a relationship with food that recognizes and acknowledges the ironic truth that nachos (for example) are at once bad for me, and I'm obsessed with them.

In this case, please feel free to replace "nachos" with any of (but not limited to) the following: Diet Coke, tacos, french fries, potato chips, Mike 'N' Ike, movie popcorn, cheeseburgers, curry, salted soft pretzels, club sandwiches, Cheez Its, macaroni and cheese, pizza, bread, bread sticks, cheese, Wendy's Chicken Go-Wraps.

(NOTE: at least lately I've had the pretense to order the grilled Go-Wraps but replace the [lower calorie] honey mustard with [higher calorie] ranch dressing [thereby basically undoing all attempts at cutting a few calories].)

Anyway, my point is that I've come to kind of pride myself on being a connoisseur of high-sodium, low-nutrient foods, kind of like how I pride myself on watching TV. I'm not going to pretend like I couldn't be doing other things with my time but I'm also not going to be one of those people who declares there is no value in TV. There is high value in TV! Production value! Entertainment value! And if you're a fan of the History Channel like me, EDUCATIONAL VALUE.

I'm not saying Wendy's/Taco Bell/Little Caesar's/Target Food Court has much value aside from taste value, but I think I could argue the educational value in frequenting these places. Some of the things I have learned are:

1. I will visit your establishment more frequently if it is clean (cleanliness, hygiene)
2. How to get the most out of my money spent (math)
3. How to eat the most food with the lowest total caloric intake-- ie. I can eat more Light Pringles than Regular Pringles for the same calories (math, logic/reasoning)
4. Making friends with the drive-thru clerks results in extra hot sauce packets (interpersonal, social)
5. Diet Coke always tastes better than Diet Pepsi (science)

However, I am finding that while such food provides educational and taste and social and even entertainment value of all kinds, I'm also starting to tire very much of the pursuit of food.

I'm one of those people who will arrive at 5pm on a busy day, having eaten lunch at such a time that maybe I'm not even terribly hungry, but I know given my evening schedule that I probably won't have time to get something to eat until at least 10pm, and while it's better to eat when I'm hungry, and not so much at night, or even let my body be hungry for a while, I'll go and get some drive-thru-y kind of dinner on my way to my evening plans because it's almost dinnertime and it's ingrained in my head to eat at dinnertime.

We won't even talk about how I get peckish at 10pm anyway and will, at least sometimes, go ahead and have a snack at 10pm. Since, you know, that happens too. Because it's fun! And usually involves Ames and some amount of tweet fodder.

But I'm tired of food, you guys. I mean, I'm not tired of the smell of terrible food, or the convenience of spending 5 minutes in line to order rather than cook it myself, but I'm plan ol' tired. The thought of chewing-- which has brought me so much satisfaction in the past-- is just tiresome. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to be so weak as to know what's good for me, know how to take care of myself, know how to lose these few pesky inches that I seem so helpless to lose from my body, and yet be seemingly totally incapable of passing up a bagel when one is sitting right in front of me, just screaming to be had.

It is time for some hard truths that I've been facing this week, in spite of how I know these things make me feel (namely lethargic, headachy and gross):

1. I am addicted to bread.
2. I am addicted to Diet Coke.
3. I will develop scurvy if I do not eat more fruit and vegetables.
4. There is a fine line between "cute/hilarious" and "gross" when it comes to being a fan of food.

I mean, I get it. I am not 100 lbs overweight. In fact, I'm only about 20 lbs heavier than I'd like to be. And in spite of that, I still skinny into size 6-8 pants, which is not in any way fat.

But isn't that the point? Look at my choices, look at my daily menus-- if I am able maintain a relatively stable level of health regarding my body's weight and size, how depressing is it that I don't have enough control to face this head on and really embrace my fullest potential?

I don't want to eat this kind of food anymore.

(That is the shocking thing I referred to up front, if you were wondering.)

To take control of my eating habits and really kick-start a lifestyle of health, Mr. Ames and I are beginning a juice fast this week as outlined in the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. What really appealed to me in this approach to "dieting" was the detox (since I've clearly clogged up my system with more preservatives and aspartame than anyone needs over a whole lifetime) and the fact that Joe Cross, the gentleman in the film, was able to heal his body and overcome an autoimmune disease that he had developed as a result of poor health. Being a patient of an autoimmune disease myself, I'm very interested to see if taking control of my health in this way may help to heal my body as well, and also change some lifestyle habits that will make me a better wife, friend, future mother, employee, and all-around human.

Also I want to brighten up my skin in a big way.

Basically what we'll be doing is limiting our diet to vegetables and some fruits, focusing on all those pesky micronutrients that are so hard to come by in over-processed packaged food. We'll take those foods and squish them into juice, which will make it easier to absorb the nutrients, and since we won't be digesting, it'll help to act as a natural detox as well. No bread, no Diet Coke, no drive-thru lines.

Incidentally, also no real thinking about what to eat. I'm already less tired!

I plan to outline our experience here, to really take stock of how it makes me feel and how I feel my health improving. While Joe Cross did his initial juice fast for 60 days, I'm going to take mine 10 days at a time, reevaluating how I feel as I go and perhaps taking a few breaks here and there. At very least, after the first 10 day cycle, I intend to have one day a week set aside for juicing for the rest of forever, so I can really concentrate on filling up on those nutrients my body seems to just be screaming for at the moment.

Am I crazy? A little bit. But I'm already really excited and unfazed by what I know will be a notable journey in embracing my health. It took me years to get to this point, it's not going to be an immediate, overnight change. And I probably won't ever lose my taste for junk. But I'm going to get it under control and make positive, informed choices.

Does anyone else have experience with juice fasts or similar detox "diets"? How was your experience?

news briefs

2011-08-10T09:25:00.005-06:00

1. I started the 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels. I didn't understand what people meant when they told me the program made/makes them angry. I've done some Jillian workouts before and, while difficult (I'm not made for cardio yoga or whatever. But really.), they haven't made me "angry." But I get it now. I feel mad when I do Level 2 of The Shred. Like, I'm literally in a bad mood when I spend that 20 minutes of my life doing so many effing squats. But it's working. I have Incredible Shrinking Arms. Go figure.

2. I'm also still Couch-to-5K-ing, slowly but surely. I'm finding that I rather like it. And it gives me a good excuse to only Shred on the days I'm not C25King. I'm going to be the Incredible Shrinking Emily, complete with Incredible Shrinking Legs so I look cute in boots this fall.

3. But wait-- when can it be fall?? I really don't do well with summer and though I was trying to embrace the bare legs and short sleeves and a varied wardrobe of sunglasses, I'm suuuuuupes over it. I'm not a summer girl. In addition, I'm not a desert girl, so being suck in summer IN THE DESERT is getting really tiresome. Where can I live where it can be autumn for most of the year? Any tips?

4. Maybe if I go shopping for fall clothes to replace the summer clothes I'm weary of, it'll speed the mental process along. Also, I intend to wear boots and scarves daily beginning September 25 regardless of the temperature, so.

5. Speaking of September 25, I am having a 25th birthday party on September 24th. I know that's not the same as the 25, but the 25th is a Sunday so I figure we can have a party on the 24th that may roll over to the wee hours of the 25th and that will be appropriate. With sparklers. I just thought of that. Anyway, it's going to be loosely Big Fish themed, based on the barefoot party they have in Spectre with lots of lights and pretty dresses and Missy Pyle has enormous hair, and if you're in Utah, I would love to have you come. There will be delicious food and it will be in our backyard and I really hope everyone dresses nicely for it. And it will still be warm enough for bare feet! More details to come...

6. I've recently discovered Slim Fast meal bars. I had avoided them till now because they looked like protein bars which are naaaaaaast, but the Chewy Chocolate Crisp variety is really quite delightful and filling and not a protein bar (thus not chalky). Perfect for breakfast.

7. I dyed my hair red and it looks like this:My sister Lizzy took the photo and is really quite a wiz with a camera, if you're looking for headshots or portraits or whatev. CLICKY CLICKY her blog.

8. Hey guys-- let's be pinterest buddies.

9. Did you ever watch that show Better Off Ted? Probably not, since it only lasted two seasons. I didn't watch it either till now on Netflix, but all I'm saying is it's a hoot and a half. Little bit Arrested Development, little bit Big Bang Theory, little bit The IT Crowd... Little bit HILARIOUS.

10. I'm performing in a little production of a play called LITTLE HAPPY SECRETS as part of the fringe season at Salt Lake Acting Company. My friend Mel wrote it, and my friend Dave is directing it, and my friends Alex and Emily and Elise are in it with me. Please come see it, if you have an extra hour on August 26 or 27. It is a short show, but very interesting and we are all very excited about it. GET TICKETS HERE.

11. I'm looking to get a new camera. Any thoughts on something like an Olympus PEN E-PL2?

What's going on in your life?

self-actualizing my appearance

2011-07-20T12:29:00.003-06:00

I am thinking about some things right now.

1. It's very warm in here.
2. There is junk all over my desk.
3. There are pink jelly bellies in my desk, which I am avoiding.
4. I'm tired of not presenting myself to my best potential.

I've been thinking about #4 a lot lately, as I buzz to work every morning at 8AM, having usually rolled out of bed anywhere between 7:29 -7:46. Obviously, this doesn't leave very much time for me to put on nice clothes or do my hair or achieve much making up beyond a swipe or two of mascara when I'm stopped at the light by Riverwoods.

(Sometimes I can't do more than wipe the remnants of last night's show makeup from my eyelids and hope the remaining eyelash glue can somehow pass as "full lashes"-- you're welcome, world!)

This is a problem.

I've frequently been surprised over the years by how my outside doesn't match my inside. That is, sometimes when I pass by a mirror or see myself in a photo, I'm surprised by how I look. I feel like I look a certain way, only to discover that I actually look another. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just always kind of curious to me. This has been the case especially lately when I barely manage a half-baked attempt to match the feel with the look-- obviously, the disconnect isn't a surprise at all in these cases, though it's no less disappointing.

I have all these dreams and intentions of really embracing my look and self-actualizing but at the crack of 7AM, I just really like to sleep, is all. To get up an hour earlier doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but somehow it is. I can't get past it. I'm starting to worry that my outer appearance (or, at least, my perception of it) is an indication of how I feel about my inner self, which makes me wildly uneasy.

The truth is that I actually like myself. I think I am pretty neat. I think I have some cool physical features to compliment my inner features. The only thing holding me back is me.

I read this really lovely blog as recommended by my friend Heidi that provides all kinds of juicy tid-bits about stars from the Golden Age of Hollywood, and in this recent post about Joan Crawford, she talks about the "persona" of Joan Crawford.

"I think the public comes to dream, to identify with me, especially in my early pictures...even when I just walk out of my building, I feel like I owe it to the doorman that I look like Joan Crawford. I overheard him once talking to another doorman and he said with pride, 'Joan Crawford lives in my building.' So, if I can't look like Joan Crawford, I don't go out. If anyone sees me, it's important they see Joan Crawford. That's why I dress up, even to throw out the garbage."

Now I understand it would be terribly easy to take this out of context and to the extreme. I don't pretend to be-- or need or want to be!-- so concerned with how I look that I can't take out the garbage without looking like (and therefore feeling like) myself (I usually let Ames take out the garbage anyway-- wocka wocka!). But I think it is an important trait to consider. The way you take care of yourself is an indication of who you are. People come to expect certain things about a person based on how they take care of themselves-- that is just a fact. There are dozens of reality shows based on this very concept. Though I'm no Joan Crawford, don't I owe it to myself to project on the outside who I am on the inside?

I think the most perfect current example of this idea is Kate Middleton. I think she is perfection. There are very few who feel like the is anything short of perfection. And you know, whether or not Kate herself regards herself as perfection, her (perfect) appearance projects the image of who she is and the station she has inherited for herself. Even grocery shopping in jeans, she's put together, her hair is done (when was the last time she has been seen in a messy ponytail or bun? Ever???), and she is neat. She clearly projects the idea that she respects herself and her title and her family and her responsibility.

So what is it about me that can't drag myself out of bed 10 minutes earlier to have enough time to even blow dry my hair nicely? I'm no duchess, but I am capable of respecting myself a little more than to resort to sloppy hair and yesterday's eye makeup.

Right?

I'm having my hair done on Friday. It will be a rather drastic change, and I'm excited. I'm also hoping it will be a kick-start in appreciating and taking care of the hair I will spend some nice money to have done, which I'm hoping will have a domino effect.

I'm also considering another Clean Sweep of my closet to really purge the clothes I don't/shouldn't wear and make room for new things-- things I like, that are flattering, and that will project an image of confidence.

AND I'm going to pull out that lipstick more frequently. Again. Because there's just something about the expectation of wearing lipstick that forces a person to get ready in the morning, am I right?

In the meantime, any tips for turning this snacking night-owl who hates to have wet hair into an early rising, clean-haired, exercise-before-work goddess?

theens

2011-07-12T16:58:00.008-06:00

Oh hey, blog. I've neglected you. Aside from meandering through a congested steam of consciousness (PS. it turned out to be a pretty nasty sinus infection, with subsequent "Restricted Airway Disease," not just a run-of-the-mill cold. Go figs.) and a(nother) daily affirmation regarding happiness and appreciating the little things in life, I've been pretty remiss.

Example of such:

I never introduced the new addition to our family.

She is a rescue cat from the same organizatio n where we found Trevor and she is 8 years old. Her name is Lucille 2 because I love Liza Minnelli, one of the dogs upstairs is already named Lucy, and she has red hair like Lucille Ball which sounds an awful lot like Lucille Bell, which is hilarious. Lucille 2 is rather terrible and is very good at teasing and chasing Trevor. He tends to sequester himself in a Fortress of Solitude in the backroom, since she doesn't jump up on things very much. He also likes to hide on the window sill.

Trevor is the best hider. (No he isn't.)

Lucille 2 also happens to be a naughty pee-pee cat. This is something I don't know how to handle. Any ideas on how we can get her to stop peeing on, say, the dirty laundry sitting in laundry baskets 1.5 feet away from her own litter box? Any advice is quite appreciated.

I've also finally joined the world of Pinterest. So far I mostly focus on cool clothes, cool house decorating, and cool ideas for the cool party I'm going to have for my cool 25th birthday in September. Pinterest makes me feel desperately cool (even though it feels like basically the same 37 photos are just being passed around) so CLICKY-CLICKY and let's be Pinterest friends!

Also, Ames and I got to channel our inner future Disney employees in the Provo Freedom Festival parade last week. It definitely made a part of my lifetime complete.

Also also, we've been making drastic improvements to our little basement apartment house. We have aqua colored walls in our living room, guys. HOW RAD ARE WE???

Also also also, I officially started my Couch to 5k program last night. In nine weeks, I hope to become a runner. I'm always impressed with people who run, and I want to be one of those people. I also want/need to be skinny so, that's good motivation too. Has anyone else done/had success with a C25K?

How's summer treating you?

bright and shiny

2011-07-06T11:48:00.005-06:00

I am happy again today.

I'm not sure if it's the new Sharpie pens that write perfectly and make my handwriting look cool, or the whole pound of pink beans (tutti-frutti jelly bellies) I got, or the sushi from last night, or my aqua living room, or having everyone tell me I look skinny even though I've actually gained weight, or reading my own tweets from the last year all morning, or the rain last night, or feeling so good about myself lately, or having the cutest cats in the world. I think it's all of those things.

Whatever it is, I'm happy again today.

Actually, I've been happy every day since last Wednesday evening. That's one whole entire week of straight-up Happy.

I think it must be a little strange that I'm so marveled about being happy for a week. Happy shouldn't be something so awesome that I feel compelled to remark "I am happy again today." Happy should be a given, shouldn't it? It absolutely should be. I'd be sad that it's not always a given, but to be sad mean being un-happy and I can't be that right now, please and thank you. I'm too busy being happy.

It turns out the congestion from my previous post was actually a pretty nasty sinus infection with subsequent "Restrictive Airway Disease." Doesn't that sound dire? It was, actually, only now I'm taking antibiotics and I feel so refreshed about life. Probably because I can breathe. I'm sure there's a lot of psychology behind the all the oxygen flowing to my brain, aside from the basic anatomy of it.

Also, I'm eating the greatest customized salad from that place Marley's in the Riverwoods and I'm seriously having a come-apart about how delicious it is. I'm eating it as if I've never eaten a salad before-- as if I've never eaten at all before.

Somehow, all good things in my life manage to conclude with food.

thoughts while congested

2011-06-24T08:51:00.000-06:00

I'm alone again in the office today. It's becoming so frequent that I think I might forget altogether what it's like to actually work with people. Okay, so I've been playing a Ke$ha-inspired playlist on Pandora between phone calls! Okay! So I have! It's my way of going all Risky Business without stripping down to underpants because this actually is a business and I'm more professional than that!

But not so professional as to refrain from Ke$ha while alone in the office.

I've got a nasty cough and a thick layer of mucus lining my nose and throat. Gimme a break.

I've also managed to be really pretty productive, so we'll just see who's laughing when everyone gets back and all the records are nice and clean, okay?

Speaking of productive, I'm getting ready to paint my living room a lovely shade of Aqua Ocean (just go with me-- in truth, this living room is going to blow your mind) and so spent last evening doing some heavy-duty spring cleaning on the walls and baseboards. While I knew there was no way these walls have seen soap for a long time, I was truly unprepared for the amount of grime awaiting me. Four magic erasers, three cloth rags, two refills of soapy water, and dozens of disposable wash cloths later... I finished half the room. But I also rearranged the furniture and had a stroke of inspiration regarding what to hang on the walls to cultivate storage while maintaining aesthetic and, admittedly, cutting back on the general amount of exposed Aqua Ocean.

I'm excited/terrified to tackle the bathroom.

Speaking of bathrooms, that's the worst part about being alone in the office-- trying to time bathroom breaks just right so I don't miss phone calls or the possibility of a visiting UPS man. It is much harder than you'd think, particularly due to the frequency of my bathroom breaks, owing to the tiniest bladder known to man + guzzling water in an attempt to flush out this cold x I have to sing tonight and tomorrow morning.

I think if I'm ever rich, I'd like to get a bladder enhancement. Do you think that's even possible? To increase the size of my bladder? Because pee breaks seriously cramp my style.

Oh, and have I mentioned that this very post may be the one to push me over 40,000 hits on my counter? LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN! And I'm going for 50,000 by the end of summer-- because I know just how much everyone likes to hear about my congestion, the grime on the walls of my apartment, and my unfortunate bladder.

Have you ever heard of any one more cool?

today's inspiration

2011-06-21T12:07:00.003-06:00

Isla Fisher.
She is so pretty. And she has a very pretty name, too.

She gets mixed up with Amy Adams (but I think Isla is way cuter).

She also has very pretty hair, that I intend to copy soon.

I mean it this time. I'm seriously actually going to do my hair like this. I know I was all about the red hair last summer and then wimped out, but not this time. It is happening. Viva summer!

because it's that summer time again

2011-06-06T10:40:00.000-06:00

My show opens in two days.

I have the cutest cat in the world.

I have feathers in my hair.

It is summer and therefore couth to wear white shoes.

Isn't it weird when you come to those occasional points in your day/week/life where you have to remind yourself why you're happy? I mean, I know that I'm happy. In general, I'm really happy.

I have the most loving and patient husband.

My kitchen is navy blue.

We have reached a place of relative financial stability.

But in spite of all the blessings, sometimes the only thing you can do at those points is to hunker down and just make a list, and repeat it like a mantra. It sounds like you're just trying to convince yourself, and maybe you are to some extent, but it's more of a gentle reminding conviction instead of a desperate one. It's not even desperate at all. It's just like, these are all the things that are super awesome about my life. Quit worrying about the inconsequential things, why don't ya?

My family is safe and healthy.

I have a lovely roof over my head each night.

I love television and have access to plenty of it. Toddlers & Tiaras starts a new season next week.

Food is so plentiful that I have 20 extra lbs to prove it.

I think I just need some time to be spontaneous about this abundance of non-consequence. Some really exciting and important things seem to be happening lately, like having the opportunity to be funny in public, and kind of being appreciated for it. Also, it's finally summer. It definitely snowed only like two weeks ago, but this weekend marked a turning-point in the season and I think it's safe to say, it is summer.

It's June. It's 80 degrees outside and it's sunny. This weekend we'll march in the Orem Summer Fest parade and watch fireworks in the warm nighttime. We can go on bike rides and stay up late without getting quite so exhausted as when you stay up late during the winter. We can eat tacos and drink slurpees because it's summer, and there are feathers in my hair, and Best Husband Of Mine and I have a cat who is cute, and I have too much food to eat with little shame of eating it, and Mackenzie on Toddlers & Tiaras, and being funny, and so many happy things that I just need to keep reminding myself about.

Make time for happy.

Look forward to all that happy on a daily basis.

Be healthy and happy and take 15 minute breaks to go stand in the sunshine.

I think it's going to be a pretty great summer.

i'll be there for you

2011-05-23T15:35:00.002-06:00

I'm worried I've become a crummy friend.

I'm not being hard on myself, and I'm not hoping/asking for an outpouring of comments about how that is or is not true. I'm just saying.

I'm worried I've become a crummy friend.

I think it might be one of those Growing Pains things. Not a thing like Leonardo DiCaprio on Growing Pains was a thing. I mean an actual, awkward growing-up-is-hard-to-do thing.

I get that people grow up and maybe grow out of each other. It's not always like you wake up one day and when you think about your BFF, you're just kind of over it. I mean, I guess sometimes that happens but usually people just go to college, people move away, people get married, people's priorities shift. That doesn't mean your friendship sucks or ever did suck. It just means growing up sucks. And I think I've been doing a lot of growing up in the last few years.

I'm quick to say, that hasn't sucked. In fact, 95% of growing up over the last two years hasn't sucked at all. But I think the part that has sucked is my seeming inability to be a good, constant friend as we all grow up and out and on and upward. My natural affinity for social events has taken somewhat of a stunning hit ever since I started being a Grown Up with an 8-5 job and actual responsibilities to attend to. I'm not hanging out like I used to. I'm not texting like I used to. I'm not even Facebooking like I used to. It's weird. I'm not used to it. It's a smidgen lonely if I think about it for too long. So that part kind of sucks.

I look at the new friendships that I develop lately-- the ones that seem to take the places of others. I don't think I've lost friends necessarily, at least not completely. But they're gone in a way, replaced by others, and the weirdest part is that the new friends in my Grown Up Life are actual Grown-Ups. Like, older than me. Like, filled with world experience. Like, who go to bed at a boring decent hour like I've started to. I look at my new friends and they are starting to look like the friends I remember my parents having when I was small-- friends who you maybe see only sometimes, and definitely not until 2AM.

This weekend I was able to fly for a few days back into the land of College Friends, shopping and talking and quoting and adventuring and drinking large cups of Diet Coke in the early hours of the morning. It was nice. It made me glad and a little sentimental. Of course then it also made me thoughtful and fretful about what am I missing? now that I'm apparently ventured off into Grown Up land where it's a whole lot less carefree and involves remarkably fewer meals at Denny's. It was fun. Grown Up land isn't quite so fun. Even Grown Up Friends aren't so fun-- at least, they're not the same fun, and the only commonality between Fun Friends and Grown Up Friends in my life is me so what's my deal? All my Fun Friends seem to still be Fun and they're all still Fun Friends together, which is not to say I'm not Fun or that my fun Grown Up Friends aren't Fun, but why am I not a Fun Friend with the other Fun Friends? The only thing I can think is that somewhere between college and now, I have turned away from the Fun.

Which is clearly why I'm worried I've become crummy friend.

I want to resolve to make more time for the friends I'm worried I've lost. I want them to know I still love them and that I can still be Fun. I don't want my job or my responsibilities to define me or my time. I need to take a deep breath and relax about my schedule because people always matter way more than most other things.

I'm sorry if I've seemed a little out of the loop recently. I don't mean to be. I love you. I want to be your friend. I want to make you red velvet cookies with white chocolate chips and eat nachos and laugh and laugh and laugh. I want to text you. I want you to be in my life.

And someday, let's all hang out in the fountain at the JFSB at BYU like the very funnest friends I know:

today's inspiration

2011-04-29T09:48:00.004-06:00

Okay. So it's Royal Wedding day. And I get that the whole world is obsessed with Duchess Catherine because she's really fantastic, and it's her day, and her dress is the most beautiful, and she's basically Cinderella. I'm right there with you. But I'm sorry-- today I'm totally inspired by HRH cousin Beatrice.

I really dig that she's super down to earth and hasn't always been svelt. She's got great hair, and great hats, and great genes, and girl isn't afraid of an appetite. Werk.

She also looks exactly like her great-great-great-great-grandgranny Queen Victoria.

And now she looks so so great and fit.

And her look at The Wedding this morning? CAN I GET AN 'AMEN'?!! (No, I'm serious. I love this.)

She and Eugenie make the princess thing look gooooooood.

not dying

2011-04-21T13:11:00.003-06:00

Today is a good day.

Today I met with a new endocrinologist to discuss My Disease.

Doesn't that sound dramatique? My Disease. It's kind of NBD (no big deal) to me at this point because I've been living with My Disease for six years-- well, really my whole life, but with the knowledge of it for six years-- and things look good.

What's My Disease? Just a hyperthyroid condition called Graves Disease. Remember Marty Feldman? Remember this guy? He had it too. He's one of my heroes. He had very advanced Graves Disease (with the eyeballs and all that) and still managed to be very funny and have very funny friends and a very successful acting career. I mean, he definitely had a specific niche in Hollywood, but he filled it well. I could have a niche (even with the eyeballs-- which I don't have [phew!]). I even wrote a poem about Graves and originally called it "Cheers to Marty Feldman." It looks like free verse but it's actually an Italian Petrarchan sonnet. Tricky!

But anyway, so my thyroid and I have been close pals for about six years now. I call her Madame Butterfly-- get it? Because the thyroid is the "butterfly gland?" Get it? Ha-cha-cha! And I mean, while she caused some big major problems up front, it seems we've reached a kind of truce in our relationship.

Today's latest is: Madame promises to chill out and I promise to not fill her with drugs for a while.

We'll see how long this agreement continues.

In the meantime, good job Madame. Keep on truckin'!

It's a good day.

today's inspiration

2011-04-14T11:57:00.004-06:00

This is Zooey Deschanel.You may have heard of her. She's kind of famous or whatever and spells her name kind of kooky. Anyway, today I'm inspired because I'm kind of over the "going blonde-ish" thing and I'm back to embracing my brunette roots (get it-- like hair? like the brown roots I'd have if I dyed my hair blonde-ish?).

Aaaaaaaaaand since my hair is growing out all nicely, just in time for spring, I think I'll just print a few photos of Zooey's hair and bangs and say "that" to my hairstylist-- not blonde-ish.Perfection.

~~happy wednesday~~~

2011-04-06T08:52:00.003-06:00

Hello there, Wednesday. We meet again. It's a bit chilly out today. Grey. Wet. But you know what they say about April showers.

And you know, I'd rather it drizzle on a Wednesday than snow because snow would crush my spirit. It's starting to feel like those cool spring mornings last year when I started taking care of myself and riding my bike to work. Feels nice.

I just painted my toenails Green 11 from Urban Outfitters because I'm wearing sandals even though I'm forced to use the space heater under my desk because I'm forcing it to be spring. Soon I'll be able to paint my fingernails again too.

This is closing week of A Tale of Two Cities, which isn't exactly "happy," though it is time to let this chapter close so we can begin the next one. If you haven't seen it yet, you still have SEVEN opportunities because I'm doing every single performance this week! CLICKY CLICKY to snag some tix. Why wouldn't you want to witness the veritable animal pelt my wig has matted into? Oh, and it's a really pretty show. You'll leave feeling pretty great about life.

Also,
I'll be picking up a copy of this book today because Tina Fey doesn't know it yet, but we're going to be best friends one day.

McDonald's hashbrowns for breakfast, wearing the greatest non-legging leggings in the world, intent on going for a run this afternoon (because I'm determined to be a runner now?!!)-- pretty good day, guys.

how i spend my evenings

2011-03-29T09:21:00.004-07:00

Last night, something strange happened.

I went running.

I mean, like for exercise. I ran. I went running.

No, I wasn't running away from the rec center. And I wasn't running to a Wendy's Homestyle Chicken Go-Wrap. I was just there, and I was on a treadmill, and I ran-- of my own accord-- and I didn't hate it.

Guys, this is a big deal. I'm growing up. AND getting fit.

The rec center is funny. I like it because I really feel like one of the people. There are just all kinds of ages and shapes and work-out clothes there on those cardio machines, just listening to their tunes and reading their books and watching their TVs. I'm a frequent visitor enough that I'm starting to make some eye-contact-head-nod-friends. We're like, "Hello. I acknowledge our similar schedules and sweaty faces. Good job for being here."

There are some weirdies. My favorite is the little old gentleman who has sat next to me on the stationary bikes three times now. He's got that crinkly old-man skin that's kind of cracking on his foreheard, and wears jeans (jeans!) that are a little too short, and bright white sneakers with tube socks. More times than not I notice he's just sitting there, arms crossed in his flannel shirt, completely unmoving as he watches his personal television with fascination. I wonder about him. Does he not have a TV at home? Does he go to the rec center under the pretense of staying active but he really just wants to watch Criminal Minds reruns? Has he recently had some medical procedure that has some physical activity recommended for recovery but he's really not all that interested? I wonder.

I also noticed a startling number of people milling about yesterday who are apparently and inexplicably unable to move their arms when they walk. It was a Seinfeld episode, only real life.

The guy on the treadmill next to me last night was throwing down a tremendous stank. I guess that's got to be expected at any fitness facility, but it really almost forced me to pack up and start on another machine. Tip: if you're going to work out in layers upon layers of clothing to sweat it out just a little extra, KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN. Blegh.

But remember how I run now?

Weird.

good day

2011-03-24T07:31:00.003-07:00

Oh hey guys.

I know it's early and we don't even start rehearsals for weeks and we won't even open the show till June, but I'm just really excited about being a little something like this:in this:
with people like this:

SQUEEEEEEE.

happy

2011-03-22T12:07:00.002-07:00

You know the thing about trying to be nice and happy to people is that you start to feel nice and happy about yourself.

Today is spring-ish. It was kind-of-snowing a little while ago, but the sun is out and it's pretty much jacket weather again. It's so nice to sit here knowing it's starting to warm up, almost time to start riding bikes around town again and open the windows (but not very far because we don't have screens and it turns out our kitty is a fan of window sills).

It's also nice to know things happen in your life for a reason, and you are given opportunities to meet new people and love them and love yourself and love laughing and working hard. I'm grateful for the new people in my life lately. I'm so sad I didn't know them till now. I feel like I've been wasting so much time without them.

I have the nicest husband boy, too. He is so good to me and kind and caring, and he brings me drinks to work and rubs my feet like every second and does so much to run the household I'm away from so much. He's also the cutest, so.

It's a good day, everybody.

self-improvement

2011-03-16T09:19:00.003-07:00

Dear Body,

I just wanted to briefly apologize for all I've put you through in recent months-- the early mornings, the late nights, the tension headaches, the unfulfilled promises of hotness. It's been rough! I get it! And now, on top of it, I'm adding a daily fitness routine. This should help to fulfill the promises of hotness and size 4 jeans, but now you have sore muscles and are generally fatigued. Sorry about that.

I'm doing my best to fuel you right, though. I'm sure you've noticed the dramatic cut-back in Diet Coke intake. The Coca-Cola company may be taking a major hit without my economic contributions, but I think you can agree, Body, it's for the best. I'm trying to keep you hydrated with lots of spring water that isn't actually sweetened by any kind of flavoring at all. Can you believe it? I'm growing up.

There's not much I can do about the early mornings, or even the late nights sometimes, but in an effort to keep you in shape for all these gym visits, we're working together to improve mental health, which should improve the spirit too. It's nice working toward balanced health. I mean, I think you can agree that you needed a little break too as we've been basically unconcerned lately with eating habits. Stressful times aren't the best for breaking your back with a killer diet or workout program. And all those chips tasted good, didn't they?

But won't it be nice when you can (finally) fit into this in a few months?
I mean, really, Body. We can do this!!

Just hang in there, kay? Keep helping me get through the day-to-day and I promise to keep working toward treating you better. You're the only body I've got and I like you. Sorry for not proving it always!

Love ya!

Emily

nice is different than good

2011-03-09T08:28:00.002-07:00

A while back, I attended a meeting with various students and faculty at UVU where the concept of "professionalism" in theater was discussed. The general consensus was that, in short, to be professional is to be nice. Of all the advice about working in theater, the overarching theme was simply, be nice. Isn't that interesting? I thought it was interesting. It has really sunk in with me during my recent experience in A Tale of Two Cities, but I also like to think it can be applied to life in general.

Be nice.

What more is there?

I know I'm not always the nicest human. I feel badly about that. I know sometimes I get aggravated easily and maybe it makes me short with others, and I know I have inbred crust which can sometimes manifest itself in snark (which I like to think of as realistic, but that doesn't means it's necessary to actually be snarky), and I know I can sometimes be impatient. But I want to be nice. I am striving to be nice. People like other people when they are nice.

One thing I've learned about being nice is that you don't talk about yourself ALL THE TIME. Maybe that sounds weird, but it makes sense to me. If you're talking about yourself all the time, and always telling people how awesome you are, not only is it annoying, but it also implies to a certain extent that you are better than the person you're talking to. And that is not nice. It doesn't matter how talented you are if you aren't being nice about it-- if you have to insult others, quietly or bluntly, to prove how good you are, well. It's also generally tiresome, and it isn't nice to exhaust your neighbor.

People also tend to come together and support each other when they're focused on other people and not themselves. In the show, we are at our best when our concern is for other people-- when we are giving to others. We share the stage, we share the spotlight. We give, and allow others to take. We zip costumes for each other. We cry for each other onstage. We hold hands to balance each other on the scary set (that's my favorite).

It's true what they say about being nice to others that makes you feel good about yourself.

On this Happy Wednesday, I want to make a promise to myself and to everyone I know that I'm going to make more of an effort to be nice. I don't want to say rude things about people, I don't want to be catty, and I don't want to be self-centered. I know the faults in me will prevent me from getting along with every single person I encounter, but I can still be polite and kind. I want to think about nice things I can do for people, and then do them.

And do you know what else is nice? Spring is in the air. Which means, aside from having nice weather, it means it's almost time to go here with the nicest family of all (mine!):

how i've been sad, and now i'm not, and will change my hair

2011-03-07T09:12:00.003-07:00

It's been a long week. We moved into a new place, cleaned and rid ourselves of the old place (and the hell noise upstairs), painted our bedroom and the under-the-stairs pantry of our new place, raided IKEA, and brought home our kitty-face Trevor all in the midst of our already work- and show-ridden schedule.

Phew.

It's been interesting, because I actually kind of expected myself to have a total come-apart (or a few) through this process. The last few months have been kind of emotionally trying, for no exact reason that I can put my finger on. It's been a lot of rather crippling anxiety and tears which generally make me feel incapable of, oh, anything. I hated work, I hated our apartment, I hated tech week (am I allowed to admit that?), I hated food (which explains why I couldn't [can't] stop eating it...?), I hated the phone, I hate (still) my hair.

I pretty much spent the majority of February looking like:

hyperboleandahalf

Needless to say, it sucked. Poor Ames. Poor friends. Poor everyone around me.

But the good news is that with March has come a renewed sense of hope and clarity. Maybe it's the impending spring. Maybe it's the mid-life crisis I'm about to have on my hair. Isn't weird how having nice hair changes your whole perspective on life? I mean, really. Call me crazy (I won't be offended because I've seriously been a crazy person lately), but my self-esteem is just through the roof when I have good hair. And since my personality/hormones/environment/schedule has kind of balanced lately, I figure it's time for a big change.

Here's my plan.

I wear a wig in A Tale of Two Cities (playing at Hale Centre Theatre till April 9 Ames and I play TThS buy your tickets HERE you don't want to miss it) that looks like this:

dcsnaps

Maybe it's the opportunity to yell and be really pissed a lot lately that's been so cathartic for my emotions? But that's beside the point. The point is, look at my hair. It is blonde. And I'm in love with/terrified of it. But I get a lot of compliments and it's really starting to grow on me. So I'm going to go through with my previous plans from summer and GO NUTS.

Bring it on, Emily Vancamp.

The question now becomes how to cut it.

Suggestions?

Aside from my impending makeover, I've also had a breakthrough with this little buddy:
At work I've been having a series of treatments which have changed my life so drastically and deserve a post of their own, but I just can't go another minute without mentioning my Alpha-Stim Stress Control System.

LIFE CHANGING.

It's a little electro-therapy stimulator that I just clip to my ears for 20-60 minutes each day and it magically (but not) resets my brain chemistry to not only decrease the number of headaches I get (which is typically a lot), but has also absolutely, 100%, unarguably balanced my anxiety and stress to such a degree, I can hardly explain. It works like this:

I have developed such an ability to handle anxiety and talk myself off cliffs. Of course there are still major stresses in life, but my capacity to just handle it has had a 150% turn-around. Best part is: NO MEDICATION! Even when I'm not exactly happy, I've found that I'm at least just neutral. In the last few weeks I haven't cried for no reason. Guys. It's a miracle. And I don't use the word lightly.

So now that we're into March, the show is open and I have a new lease on life, I'm going to change my look, audition for some more stuff, (finally) start working out again, and snuggle with this guy:

long live the republic

2011-02-25T08:48:00.014-07:00

courtesy of doug carter

Living history is cool.

best of times

2011-02-17T15:21:00.001-07:00

And so it begins.

(Though I wish it were not beginning with the overwhelming need for a nap.)

happy batman day

2011-02-14T15:59:00.003-07:00

Years ago, it dawned on me that Valentine's day is basically insipid, thereby a completely innocuous reason to get down on life just because I didn't have Someone to hold. Single Awareness Day is far less innocuous because Valentine's day doesn't have to be about romantic-love, it can just be about love-love, and it's sad if it's just all about romantic-love when there are so many people to love-love. I mean, that's why we built those boxes in elementary school year after year and dropped in NSYNC and Barbie valentines that say things like "You rock, Valentine!" and "Friends are forever!"

See? Insipid.

In an effort to shift gears and focus on something that seemed equally meaningless, Batman Day was born. I don't even recall why, though it did have something to do with my friend Jacqs and the fact that we sent each other the same Valentine in the mail.

And so, while Ames and I spend a romantic evening rehearsing this play about friendship and the love of other human beings, I hope you have a very

HAPPY BATMAN DAY

tech week papercut

2011-02-10T15:12:00.004-07:00

Have you ever had a papercut in the bend of your finger, right where your finger becomes your hand so it's difficult and painful to bend? Have you had a papercut in the bend of your middle finger, right where your finger becomes your hand so it's difficult and painful to bend so you kind of wind up flipping everything off for a few hours?

Welcome to my world.

It could be worse. I could have a sliver right in the bend of my middle finger, and it would be because of the raddest stage set I've ever had the pleasure of walking and dancing and tromping across. But it's also filled with slivers because it is made of rough old wood that came from a big old barn that the theater bought and then tore down in order to make a raked stage that looks like this:Please also note my shoes, which are a cross between Felicity Merriman the American Girl doll and the Salem Witch Trials. Of course they'll look much cooler without jeans, but you get the idea. AND THE SLIVERS IN THE FLOOR! Because the floor is made of a barn. Which is just fine.

Last night was our first tech rehearsal for A Tale of Two Cities (click!) and as anyone who's had the pleasure of surviving a tech rehearsal week will know, there is a lot of sitting, a very lot of waiting, and even more stop and go. Luckily I have the yarns to keep me occupied and a cast of very pleasant people who generally make me feel very warm and squishy about this pretty neat show that we get to do together. I mean, really-- this show is so pretty. And sad. And happy. And funny. And heart-wrenching. And PRETTY. And my French Peasant hair is kind of honey-colored. I'm a blonde French peasant who gets really into the idea of "off with her head"-ing people. While standing on a set that used to be an old barn.

So I just sit there at tech rehearsal with my yarns, and my Ames, and my friends, and kind of just wait around to be needed, which means a few hours might go by, so I've got some Diet Coke, and some Cheetos, and some trail mix, and after a while last night there was even some sushi from the place down the s treet where they have the very most delightful staff who give you free drinks and soup while you wait for your to-go order and they know you by name, so that was nice too. And even though there's so much waiting around, there is a lot in life that is worse than sitting around with all those things, waiting for your turn to take part in something quite so interesting and happy and sad and pretty.

Though I mean, tonight will be interesting depending on how awkward this papercut makes things.

But at least it's not a sliver.

reflection

2011-02-04T09:34:00.003-07:00

It's 19 degrees outside.

I'm not complaining, and I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses or whatever because the entire country has looked like this all week:We actually haven't gotten any snow in Utar, but it sure is chilly. It doesn't help when you (I) live in a basement apartment and the central heating is controlled by upstairs and your (my) vents aren't great anyway so it's typically about 58 degrees inside your (my) house.

I haven't really gotten ready for the day at all this week. Too cold, especially when I have to be at work by 8AM. I'm a wuss. I get it. But truly, it's more worth it to me to wear a sweatshirt and have 2-day old hair rather than suffer those 5 minutes post-shower, when your systems is shocked from blissful sauna hot tub water joy and your skin is all squishy and your lungs are all full and clear when you cross the protective shower curtain barrier and hit a wall of FREEZING SHRIVELED SKIN ICICLE HAIR WHIMPERING JAMES TAYLOR'S FROZEN MAN COLD. Give me a dirty-haired ponytail any day. EVERY day.

Also I've fallen into the habit of not wearing makeup, really. I don't forget, exactly, and it's not even that I'm just lazy. It's more like, I think about it on my way into the office and think I'll just take a few minutes to put on some mascara once I have a minute and then all of a sudden it's 5pm and I'm looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I managed to look so hashed the entire day long.

Isn't it interesting how getting up early is so much easier in the summertime? Curse my bed with flannel sheets and my own personal body warmer (aka Ames, who seems to consistently and conveniently radiate heat at all times), which is always the most comfortable between 6:00-7:45AM. All beds are the most comfortable during those winter hours. It's like a big mattress conspiracy.

But 19 degrees is a whole lot more bearable than 5 degrees at 8AM, which is what it was yesterday. 19 degrees is real cold, but when I ran outside just now to take the trash to the dumpster, I breathed in a certain invigoration that kind of filled me up inside and felt inspiring, reminding me that I can work 8-9 hours a day and then live through the French Revolution every night and find stage dirt in the most unlikely places and things are gonna be A-OK.

starting over

2011-01-31T12:39:00.002-07:00

Did you know there are different kinds of tears? Your tears have a different chemical make-up when your eyes water as a result of wind or dust or whatever, than when you're emotional.

Tears used to be associated with purging of the bodily "humors," which makes sense given the fact that emotional tears contain a certain level of hormones-- that probably explains why people usually "feel better" after a good cry. Those medieval doctors were on to something.

Not surprisingly, women cry more frequently than men, and at longer durations. Crying turns into sobbing for women in 65% of cases, but only 6% for men. Babies in the US and Western Europe cry more than babies in Eastern Europe. Babies in Asia cry the most frequently, but African babies hardly cry at all. The pitch of babies' cries also apparently mimics the pitch of their parents' voice patterns (which would explain everything about the noise upstairs).

I seem to have had a lot of experience with crying lately, I'll be honest. I've started having weird anxiety attacks, which aren't even that weird or severe according to the symptoms, but it's weird because I haven't really had them until recently. Or at least I haven't acknowledged them as anxiety attacks. Husband Ames has been real understanding and also quick to point out that I/we have a lot going on right now. I'm still new-ish at work, we just bought a car, we're trying to move, we're rehearsing an intense show that opens in 16 days-- sometimes life just gives you anxiety. But when you're conscious of how silly you're being and how you know you're overreacting, well. It's hard.

I took a step recently to hopefully alleviate some of the stress from my life causing me anxiety. I am (as are all people) surrounded by factors in life over which I basically do not have control: I need to work full-time; we need to pay bills; we commute to what is essentially our second income. For a long time I've been giving myself added stress and anxiety over the fact that I seem to be at a complete standstill in the race to become The Biggest Loser (against myself). I've fluctuated between the same 4 lbs since late August. It's become increasingly frustrating as I lose it, mysteriously gain it back, rinse and repeat. So for the last few weeks, I gave myself a break and stopped dieting. I've been eating whatever I want, when I want it. I packed the scale away so I wouldn't be able to track myself. I need to restructure the rather destructively emotional pattern I've apparently set for myself by not having a pattern whatsoever. It's been bliss.

Ironically, I've had more compliments about how I look in the last few weeks than I have in months.

As of this morning, I'm back on the plan-- only I'm starting over. I've reset all my information on weightwatchers.com and erased my history. I began at 171.4lbs on May 1, 2010, and that part of my life needs to be over. It is over. I can't associate myself with it anymore. I was able to lose about 21 lbs in 4.5 months, and I'm very proud of it, but I need to move on and start clean.

This morning I was 154.2 lbs. With a fresh outlook and a refreshed spirit, I hope I can have as much success in the next four months as I did last year. And interestingly, I feel that renewal all the way into my insides in a way I haven't for months and months.

I don't think I'll cry today.

ring out wild bells

2011-01-20T12:01:00.003-07:00

We took down Christmas last night.

What? I know it's January 20. I know last night was January 19. I know that Christmas was December 25 and that we're now closer to Valentine's day then we are to Christmas.

What?

I know I'm not alone in this.

With the prospect (and now reality!) of moving soon, it just kind of seemed easier to put it off till we knew what was going to happen, right?

Too bad it was at the expense of the dignity of a poor little Christmas tree named Jerry who brought us a lot of Christmas cheer and waved "hey" every time we walked in the door with his extra little branch. By the time he was hauled away last night, Jerry was all withered and drooped. Poor little guy.

The house looks surprisingly larger now that the tree and all the decorations are gone now, though. Which will be good in case anyone needs to come over to buy our contract.

Which they will because we're moving!

Anyone know of anyone who wants a little two-bedroom apartment? W/D included? Private entrance all utilities (except cable/internet) great LDS ward (if you're into that sort of thing) Central Orem location right by Target 3 miles from UVU for $600/month? Anyone? Let me know...

But anyway-- Christmas. It's now gone, I've now embraced 2011 and said goodbye to 2010.

All except for the four Halloween pumpkins still sitting by our front door.

What?

gloom-tastic

2011-01-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

There's been a gloom cast over my life lately. I chalk it up to the melting dirty snow all over the place that makes everything distinctly moist. I've also felt very much like the Mysteriously Growing Woman since, though I've kept to the plan and started actively exercising about four times a week, I'm magically gaining weight, but we don't need to go into that. And of course those Waste of Makeup Days that we all have-- you know the kind-- that just seem to be all too abundant, probably because it's too cold in the morning to get up in time to get ready, which brings me back to the point about the melty gray snow.

We've recently managed to make some real Grown Up strides that I'm pretty sure is helping me reach my goal of increasing my awesomeness. First, we applied for our very first ever loan and drove off the lot with this:Look, there's me in the front seat texting about it! It's our very first Bell Family car-- a silver 2008 Mazda CX-7 Grand Touring. PRETTY! We figure we aren't going to be buying a house anytime soon, but we do spend a lot of time on the road with no sign of not spending a lot of time on the road, so we might as well have a cozy house on wheels that's not an RV.

But the gloom! Such gloom. It's got me in a funk I can't seem to pull out of. Part of the problem may be the fact that in spite of our shiny new car that we like to drive in, with the good sound system and heater that actually works, we seem to always be STUCK in traffic. Traffic is my worst anxiety, other than phones ringing off the hook. There's been plenty of that lately too... Just thinking of traffic and phones ringing makes my heart start pounding.

I intend to launch Pribbles & Prabbles: The Store on Etsy in February, which means I need to get cranking on some yarn projects but can't find the motivation. I wonder if the gloom has a little something to do with the fact that we've launched into rehearsals for Act II of A Tale of Two Cities in which we spend a lot of time in riotous French mobs, screaming, "GUILTY! GUILTY! OFF WITH 'ER HEAD!" at each other and witnessing a lot of terrible deaths. In all honesty, it's going to be a powerful production that I'm very excited to be a part of. You can get tickets HERE (if you don't think it'll make you too gloomy).

There's an Urban Outfitters sale happening online which is sorely tempting but not possible four days after buying a car (because WE DID THAT!) and also that thing about Waste of Makeup for the Mysteriously Gaining Woman. I think I might go the opposite route and actually just throw out (donate) half my wardrobe just to get rid of it. Simplify. Take some weight off by concentrating less on materialistic things. This will also make our impending move a lot easier.

Counting down the days till we move is kind of gloomy too, because it means we have to pack and then unpack. A fresh start will be nice. And also Fresh Step for our CAT because TREVOR the CAT can come live with us in a month!!!

But in the meantime: gloom, and taking home discarded cardboard boxes from work instead of recycling them.

Any suggestions for a gloom-buster?

first post of a new year

2011-01-03T14:21:00.003-07:00

Guys, my blog followers are fluctuating as consistently as my weight. What gives! Are my posts about Katy Perry and things I want not interesting enough for you?!!

As it happens, I totally get that. I'm the most boring. My blog has no "point." Even if the "point" is to post about "pretty things" or "nice quotes" or "this is the book I'm reading," at least it would have a "point."

I'll work on that. I resolve to.

BECAUSE IT'S 2011!!!

When did that happen? Wasn't it, like, two years ago that we were all freaking out about Y2K and then the universe didn't even collapse? How is it Y2K11 already?

I sound old and curmudgeonly.

In the spirit of blogs I admire, here's a quick recap of items of note from 2010, in no particular order and with no indication as to whether or not each item was exactly positive:

1. Urinetown
2. Crochet
3. Lots of soup at Zupas
4. Ames's facial hair
5. Lizzy's wedding
6. Losing 22 lbs
7. Biking to work
8. Noorda Summer Camp
9. Crochet
10. Yarn
11. 1-year wedding anniversary
12. Cable and DVR
13. Snuggies
14. Big River sound booth
15. A Flickering
16. Grammy Green
17. Slumbies
18. Black-Brown hair
19. A Tale of Two Cities casting
20. Two new jobs
21. Trevor the cat
22. Alternator Fire '10
23. Crochet
24. Special K cereal bars (strawberry flavored)
25. Taco Bell

It wasn't a super eventful year for me...

But I have some planz to make 2011 more eventful, or at least trick myself into nostalgically thinking it was more eventful than it might prove to be (you never can tell with life):

1. Wear clothes with purpose.
2. Reach my goal weight.
3. Take one photograph EVERY DAY (sucking at this so far-- and it's only Day 3. Right?)
4. Work on my cool family history project.
5. Increase level of awesomeness by 10%.

I kid, I kid.

I want to increase my level of awesomeness by 15%.

Reach for the stars, guys.

Maybe I'll focus my blog this year around the one-photo-per-day idea and then it will have a "point" and suddenly I'll have 120987498175 followers, become a blogger.com Blog of Note, and my blog will be turned into a TV show starring me. That's sure to increase my awesomeness by even more than 15%, I bet.

Anyway, here's to life, learning, weight-loss, and tacos. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

today's inspiration

2010-12-28T12:53:00.005-07:00

Listen. I know she's kind of crazy and out there, and maybe she's even a teensy bit gross, but I tell you, Katy Perry has a new big fan:

Me.

I'm obsessed with her eye lashes and lipstick and retro.

She also has fantastic hair and I'd be lying if she isn't partially to blame for my interest in having black, cool hair.I'm not kidding. Gimme that hair.

Incidentally, she also has a rad voice and sings songs that make me feel like, "I could do that too." Baby, I AM a firework for realsies.

Katy, thanks for being my style/thin inspiration today. I'm totally going to take a page out of your book. Let's be best friends and borrow each others' headbands.

christmas wrap up

2010-12-27T13:25:00.004-07:00

It's kind of too bad that there are so few people in my life who really, truly appreciate the fact that Taco Bell isn't so much a "staple" in life so much as it is a "food group."

But for real.

In other news, I've re-reapplied myself in this weight loss thing. Like, Wii Fit is great, and Michael Jackson The Experience will certainly be a fun addition, but as much as I've reapplied myself for months, I'm serious this time. Like how I was serious in May serious. This is happening.

I need that Esther Williams bathing suit for springtime like whoa.

And maybe also this dress.

130 in 24, everybody.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY: we rescued a cat for Christmas! His name is Trevor and he's the darlingest thing in the world.

Can all you people who know me at all even believe that I, the most self-proclaimed dog lover in the world, have fallen in love with a cat? WELL BELIEVE IT. He's the most precious-- he was stuck in that cage for like six months and we just had to save him. So we did. He's from the same adoption shelter that my parents' dog Sprout came from. He's just a cat! Just a sweet, unassuming cat with eyes like Puss in Boots. Am I right?

Long story short, he can't live with us till we move in a few weeks, but we wait with anxious anticipation.

Also tonight is the 2-year anniversary of my first "date" with Ames. Of course, I also had two other, simultaneous dates that night... but we're going back to Tuchanos tonight to celebrate anyway. Why has the last two years felt like seven hundred? I love it.

I can't imagine a better way to spend 2011 (aka Year 3) than losing 20 more lbs and snuggling up to a cat in an apartment with no noise from upstairs.

Did you all have a nice Christmas?

prabbles

2010-12-14T16:20:00.003-07:00

Guys, I literally have never had more papercuts all over my hands than I have right now. There's one right on the very pad of my left ring finger that's particularly irritating since I have to use it to type. Bandaids everywhere, not to mention my nicely bruised right middle finger that I smashed while (defeatedly) trying to move a couch the other day.

If I were a Victorian lady, people would judge me.

I've got news:

1. I started the new gig. So far so good. Still learning the ropes, but I'm pleased with what I've been able to learn in two days. More than anything it's a matter of getting myself and all the materials organized because it's as if everything went KABOOM! and here I am to make sense of it. Everyone in the office is really nice and helpful, though. Aside from the papercuts, and the fact that I go home exhausted from learning, it's going smoothly. I'm happy. Good choice.

2. I've been cast in a play. More specifically, I've been cast in the ensemble of A Tale of Two Cities at HCTWV. Ames will be playing Cruncher. We've got all kinds of friendlies in the cast with us, but more than anything I'm thrilled to be taking a step forward. There were literally hundreds of people who auditioned, and it looks like there will be about a dozen or so women in the cast-- I am so so lucky.

3. Wii Fit Plus is the greatest invention of all time. We got a Wii for Christmas and were forced literally FORCED to open it early! I've had my eye on a Wii for a real long time because I've always known that if I could play video games that would trick me into exercising, I'd be must more successful about losing weight-- especially since I've totally plateaued. Anyway, if you didn't know, it turns out that I'm a secret Rhythm Boxing chamption. Also, I a Snowball Pro. If you have a Wii consol but are among those who haven't got a Wii Fit yet, I highly recommend it. I love tracking my progress and shaving off a few extra oz every workout. Just you watch-- I'm going to be 135 lbs before this show opens. IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

4. I'm joining the ranks of crafters at Etsy. Shortly I'll be debuting PRIBBLES & PRABBLES: THE STORE at Etsy to try my hand at selling some of these crochet things I've been yarning. I have compliments all the time on my headbands, particularly the ear-warming kind, so I figure I'll see if I can at least keep this habit self-funded, right? Looking forward to that, hopefully sometime over Christmas break.

What's new in your lives?

CORRECTION

2010-12-07T13:05:00.003-07:00

The vague comment about prospects in my post yesterday seems to have caused some confusion.

I am not pregnant.

I am starting a new job on Thursday.

It's all very sudden and whirl-windy and someday I'll post all about it, but lest our imaginations get carried away with us, I wanted to set the record straight.

I'm looking at you, Kyle and Angela.

emily's favorite things

2010-12-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

There are some things happening in life that are almost ready to be revealed but I don't think it's 100% professionally responsible for me to say it yet. Cryptic, eh? That'll keep you coming back for more, eh? Suffice it to say, life is unpredictable and interesting and I'm excited by prospects.

But anyway, the point of this is that E! and the Style channel haven't been able to get enough lately of showing clips from Oprah's recent Ultimate Favorite Things episode. I mean, I guess if I happened to be in the audience to be the recipient of things like glittery Ugg boots, embellished tunics, iPads and chicken pot pies, I might have had a come-apart too. And this wasn't just Oprah's Favorite Things, it was her Ultimate Favorite Things, meaning more favorite than all other Favorite Things. Big difference.

In honor of Oprah, the recent passing of Black Friday (which went basically uncelebrated by the Bells-- we're just not that materialistic, guys! [joke]), and now that we're well into embracing our American right to consumerism, I'd like to share some of my Favorite Things for the season.

Note: this is in no way a giveaway. I don't even have the kind of cash to get this stuff for myself. But if you happen to know any financially generous folks who'd like to giveaway these Things to me...

Emily's Ultimate Favorite Things 2010

OMG YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!1!!

Number 1-- Crouching Tiger dress at shabbyapple.com
This is possibly the most perfect dress in existence, second only to the other dress at Shabby Apple which ran out of my size before I was able to order it. Shabby Apple tends to be a bit pricy, so I've been hesitent to buy anything before reaching my Goal Weight. Some may call this silly (because I could have the dress in the meantime or whatever), I call it smart. Either way, this dress is a Must Have Someday (Soon).

Number Two-- Toggled Coat from Target
This coat also comes in mustard yellow, though I figure I have enough mustard colored accessories that I might over-do mustard with a mustard coat. This coat is super coze, only $49. Target always manages to provide some pretty gemmy gems (I have four Target coats and jackets in varying styles)-- not disappointed by this.

Number Three-- Anna Sui Flight perfume at urbanoutfitters
Guys, this is the most lush perfume I've ever smelled in my whole life. I'm not usually big into really aromatic perfumes-- I tend to prefer subtle, fresh smells-- but this is just gorgeous. My friend Emily bought it a few months ago and it's been on the top of my Wish List ever since. Also there's a peacock on the cap of the bottle.

Number Four-- Michael Jackson: The Experience for Wii
I'm sorry, say what you want about the man himself, this looks like the funnest game ever. And it comes complete with a glittery silver glove (only don't wear it while playing-- my guess is Nintendo is trying to avoid a lawsuit involving some fan wearing the glove and the Wii controller slipping out of their hand and flying across the room into an heirloom vase).

Number Five-- Captain Planet "Wind" ring from captainplanet.me
This is real, guys. You can get your own Captain Planet collector's edition replica ring to represent your favorite element and/or character! A $20 "donation to the Planeteer movement" is all it takes. I'm kind of obsessed with them. I think I'd pick Cyan (Wind) because it's the prettiest ring and I always thought Linka was so pretty, but I dig Red (Heart) too because I want all animals to love me. INTERESTING FACT: did you know a surprisingly long list of Hollywood celebrities were voices on Captain Planet? Aside from the obvious Whoopi Goldberg (Gaia) and LeVar Burton (Kwame), the show also showcased the talents of Ed Asner, Tim Curry, Jeff Goldblum, John Ratzenberger, Meg Ryan, Martin Sheen, and Sting, among others. Now you know!

Number Six-- Sharpie Pens
These are seriously the greatest things to happen to me since the Bic Velocity Gel Rollerball Comfort Grip with Retractable 0.7mm Tip. Seriously. Precision and weight of a Sharpie with ink that doesn't bleed through the page! Brilliance.

Number Seven-- Baked Lay's potato chips (any flavor)
God's gift to potato chip lovers who are trying to watch their waistlines. That's all.

Number Eight-- Yarn by Stitch Nation
If you are obsessed with yarn (I am) or are looking for yarn to get you hooked into a yarn-related project (I always am), THIS YARN IS THE GREATEST.

Number Nine-- Horn rimmed glasses by Lucky Brand
In reality, these are at the top of my Need-Slightly-More-Than-Just-Want list. I've been jonesing for glasses of a similar style for a long while, and recently my eyes are in hate with contact lenses but my current pair of glasses are very heavy on my face. Ta da! Perfect solution.

Number Ten-- Home Offices
If I had the time/space/money to create something like this to work in, I'd get every degree that was ever invented for college. And also become a research assistant and sit at home reading and studying instead of watching TV (except for ANTM, etc). Really, though. This office. I should stop watching HGTV because it makes rooms like this more of a reality than they should be considering we rent our place and have carpets and aren't allowed to paint the walls.

What are your Favorite Things?

PS

2010-11-30T13:06:00.002-07:00

I had this big ol' blog entry ready to post, and all of a sudden it just seemed futile. So, to sum up:

1. Fact: Not all theater is good theater, no matter how hard you worked.

2. Audience members are the ones experiencing the theater, good or bad, and are prime candidates to give unbiased feedback.

3. It should not be assumed an audience member is uninformed or uneducated if said audience member has the guts to critique bad theater.

4. Defensive and snarky responses to the critique of any theater does not encourage discussion.

5. Defensive and snarky responses actually imply small-mindedness.

6. If said "uninformed or uneducated" audience member is brave enough to sign their name to their opinions, so should be anyone who makes a public response, whether defensive or supportive.

And with that said, however futilely, blog readers may now anticipate the forthcoming Emily's Favorite Things.

i want to be like

2010-11-22T10:14:00.002-07:00

Today's inspiration is:

Kelly Osbourne.

Please take a moment to appreciate how stunning she is.

I mean, I've been a fan since the days of pink hair and The Osbournes and "Papa Don't Preach."
She's always seemed like someone I could be friends with. Is that creepy and stalkery of me? Probably a little. Also, wishful thinking.

But is she not the most adorable?
Get it, Kelly. Someday I'll be skinny like you.

PS. Be my best friend.

two steps back

2010-11-17T22:55:00.003-07:00

Guys.

I've been really good about controlling what I eat, right? And I've been really good about controlling when I eat it, right?

9:38PM tonight-- the witching hour.

All I want in the entire world is a burrito.

Until 9:37PM I was just crocheting my yarn, watching my stories, feeling awesome and in control.

But then I'm like NOM NOM NOM.
Weight-loss be damned. I'm eating a freakin' burrito.

happy wednesday

2010-11-17T16:09:00.002-07:00

I had a board meeting today, which means I actually dressed up for work a smidge, but I'm wearing bright blue tights the color of Avatar. Also the weather has been gorgeous today. Thus,

~*~*~*happy wednesday*~*~*~

Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton, everybody! Say it with me: FINALLY! For those of us all over the world who obsess over British royals because we don't have any royals of our own to love/hate, we can spend the next approximately eight months pouring over articles at
people.com about "Who Should Design Kate's Dress?" and drooling over Diana's sapphire engagement ring. Marrying a prince means marrying the jewels. Bling!
I'm really inspired to crochet myself something along the lines ofjust in time for winter. Sadly, kitten not included :(

America's Next Top Model tonight. Top 4. Tyra shooting a 2-minute video. Does Chelsey drive everyone crazy as much as she drives me crazy? I'm pulling for Jane right now, but I also like Kayla and poor awkward Anne. WHO WILL BE ELIMINATED TONIGHT??

Once I had this pair of cranberry-colored knit boots that were so much my favorite that I wore them when we took our engagement pictures. Then they got really stinky and I had to throw them out for the sake of anyone within 15 feet of me. This week I replaced them, and though they are not cranberry-colored, I've had compliments left and right (which is weird, because I wasn't under the impression that knit boots are at all ground-breaking, but I guess I just rock them now that my legs are skinny?) Totes comfy.

Thanksgiving is next week, which not only means time off from work and a lot of food (and a lot of cheese), it means Christmas is almost here, giving me every excuse to get Christmas-scented candles (you know the kind I mean), and rearrange my house to fit a Christmas tree, and wallow in slowly falling snow. In the meantime, I wish I had any excuse to create this on my wall.
Then there are these dogs we want but can't have in our current apartment but still make me so happy to look at and think about having one day. The anticipation is enormously rewarding in the meantime.
This pizza.

Hope everyone is having a happy Wednesday!

just breathe

2010-11-12T09:25:00.003-07:00

This morning, all the snark has been sucked out of me.

I've noticed there's a certain quiet dignity when you actually take control of your eating habits. Exercising is hard for me. I don't like it, I don't like making time for it. Now that I'm on the downhill slope on my way to goal weight, I've simply stopped eating so much. I'm not overeating. I haven't been eating high-calorie foods. I've been drinking a lot of water. Ground breaking, isn't it? I've felt less wild this week, less prone to extreme emotions, less out of control.

That said, I consciously had two pieces of pizza for breakfast this morning and it was so delicious.

Twitter and I are also taking a break in our relationship. I shut off the text alert option, which decreased the number of texts I received yesterday substantially. And I didn't even notice. Apparently Twitter and I have grown overly fond of each other and I'm welcoming a vacation. We'll see if I ever return to text alerts because this has been nice.

In general I'm a little sensitive about being quite so available all the time. I'm really sorry to everyone who's received a slow text-response. I'm really sorry to anyone who's left me a voicemail in the last five days that I still haven't heard. I've really liked feeling a little less JUMP-TO! and a little more in-a-second-k? The world doesn't collapse if I don't JUMP-TO! The world continues to turn. And it's easier to breathe, if you can believe it.

I woke up late this morning, in our bed with the flannel sheets. Of course, I woke up to the sound of upstairs-neighbors physically wrestling their children to get ready for school, which wasn't the most peaceful alarm I've ever heard, but I woke up a little late and then pulled on my favorite pants, which are now too big around my (finally) 29" waist. I'm wearing a mustard-colored headband that I crocheted with a bow on it and I have new knit boots with buttons to replace the ones I had to throw away last year because they were stinky. And even though I walked into work prepared to be defensive, as I always do, there is sun actually shining through my office window and it's all over my desk, warming my hands and my back. It almost feels like I might be here today for the rest of my life, but I'm not willing to fight about it. I like this feeling of tranquility. I like feeling neutral. I like feeling in control.

Things will work out. I might go back to school. I might be poor for a real long time. I might not get a fancy phone or a new camera or be able to afford clothes from my favorite store, and I may not feel fulfilled for a while. But I'm pretty good at a few things, and I'm a pretty interesting person, and I have the sweetest boy in the world for a husband, so that's pretty okay.

This morning feels like a pretty good step in the right direction.

fashion validation

2010-11-05T12:23:00.003-07:00

Lauren Conrad was featured on People's Star Tracks today while filming for her new reality TV series. Please note her dress.

Does it look familiar?I bet LC is one of my anonymous blog followers and that's where she was inspired to get the same dress.

In other news, I lost 2.2 lbs this week and I'm a measly 4oz away from saying good-bye to these pesky 150's.

All of this clearly means I need to go hunt for more fantastic/affordable clothing so I can have matching wardrobes with other reality tv stars.

pants contention

2010-10-29T09:21:00.004-06:00

Today is one of those days where I woke up and just didn't want to wear pants.

I don't mean I didn't want to wear anything at all. I just didn't (don't) feel like shimmying into and wearing pants.

What?

Don't you ever have those days where you don't want to wear pants? Or normal clothes of any kind? And it might be because you FAILed at weight watchers this week, or at least you just feel like you did?

Don't pretend like you don't know what I mean.

And I've been thinking about this idea where I'm going to turn the back room of our house into an office library and the best part of it will be: PANTS OPTIONAL. And we can have big piles of blankets to snuggle under and use to march around the house instead of actually wearing pants.

I know I could be wearing a skirt, but I wore a skirt three times this week and I don't want to wear a skirt because it's cold, which means I'd have to wear tights, which are tighter than pants, and my whole point is: I don't want to wear pants today.

There are things things called Baby Legs that I wish they'd make for people my size. Overgrown legwarmers that go all the way up your thigh? Don't mind if I do!
Seriously though. Don't mind if I do.

happy wednesday

2010-10-27T15:50:00.002-06:00

You know, sometimes you just have a bad day. And it isn't rotten, and it isn't horrible, and the sun is actually shining through the clouds at the end of the day, but it was still a bad day.

And you probably haven't eaten enough but have no appetite to eat which is at least nice for the scale because you've overeaten all week, and you don't feel like watching TV all night even though that's what you'll end up doing, and you didn't get to kiss your husband enough because timing was just bad during the bad day, even though he was the nicest and brought you a big 44 oz-er. And you have to go to the bathroom, and the voicemail light is blinking, and you still have an hour left before you can go home, and you should probably march across campus to deliver that memo, and you live in an apartment where all you want is the puppy you're not allowed to have, and the only thing you can think about is the back room that's full of stuff and you can't find motivation to put it away--

It's all a little easier when you just focus on happy.

i want to tell you about my sister and that she was born

2010-10-26T11:56:00.002-06:00

This is a post to celebrate the existence of my only little sister, Elizabeth Helen. Today is her birthday, and she is 21, which means she's an actual adult, which means no one can give her crap about anything or being too young. Welcome to the club, little one.

I only call her "little one" because she's just a little bitty thing.

She didn't really want to be born when she was born. I bet our mom has some cool stories about how she was in labor for 26 hours. I think that's because Bizzy probably really wanted all the numbers to match, since she was born on October 26. She's organized that way and maybe inherited a touch of OCD. She started early.

I don't know if I really wanted her to be born either. I mean, I got the cool I'm the Big Sister shirts and whatever, and I was super pumped to give her that rattle as a YOU'RE BORN! present, but when she actually came home and was there and barfed all the time, I wasn't so sure...
Aunt Debbie tried to congratulate/console me with balloons. I wasn't impressed.But after a few days, I warmed up to her.

Bwahahaha.... (note: that couch is now sitting in my very own little apartment)

Bizzy was named after our grandma Elizabeth, who always went by Betty. Liz still rocks San Rio sunglasses, if you can believe it.

Sometimes I call Sister "Betty" because it's retro, and also because of our grandma, and also because of "Betty-honey Haynes" from White Christmas. Our mom wanted Lizzy's name to be Elizabeth and not be called by a nickname, but that didn't last long since she was the one who started calling her Biz. Grandma Betty never liked the name Lizzy because of some mean great-aunt or other, so it was ironic when Biz inevitably became Liz. But listen-- I've never met a Liz I didn't like, so I don't mind the nickname.

Liz has always been a big Beatles fan. This year she actually made it to Liverpool, which I think is just about the coolest thing. Check out her most epic Halloween costume from 1997:Third from the left-- John Lennon would be proud of that casted little arm. All in the name of ROCK.

A few years later Lizzy would smile in such a way that jutted her chin back into her neck a little bit and made her eyes drowsy. It's become a bit of a running joke. See how charming?

Luckily she grew up and is now the prettiest girl ever. She married a boy named Spencer, but then she couldn't decide if she wanted to keep her last name or take his, and because Mom and Dad have always told us that we (especially me) suffer from "more more more" syndrome, why have just one name when you can have two?
Isn't it weird that, aside from the snow caked in our hair and the pained expressions, we basically don't even look alike?

Bizzy is very talented and is basically good at everything she tries. She stars in local musicals--And lately she's been all about her new photog business. Check out her blog and hire her. She's really good and not obnoxiously artsy.She's also a serious rebel.

We have hilarious times together!Everything about this photo is staged.

It's good to be Biz.'eeyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Happy birthday, little Lizzy!

regarding the weather

2010-10-25T12:38:00.002-06:00

Dear Universe,

I'm writing to tell you about how I don't mind the sudden change in temperature, and I don't even mind the prospect/appearance of snow on this, October 25.

I don't want you to think I'm saying this just to get something in return. I'm not even asking for any favors and I don't have any reason to suck up. I'm not using The Secret. I just wanted to tell you about how I like the chill and I don't even mind the snow.

In fact, I wanted to tell you it because it seems like so many people get mad about the weather. When it's 102 degrees, it's too hot. When it's 50 degrees, it's too cold. When there aren't any clouds, it's too sunny. When there are too many clouds, it's too gray. We live in a desert, where weather patterns are extreme. I get it! I'm not complaining.

And about the snow that some people got last night and this morning-- don't worry. I like it. If this were Back East, everyone would just kind of shrug about it. I can't tell you how many Halloweens I spent with an umbrella over my head to protect my witch wig from the snow. It's no biggie, Universe. I like any excuse to wear twelve layers and scarves and gloves and hats.

But okay, if you're feeling generous, and you appreciate how I appreciate your unpredictable weather habits, I'm getting a haircut this week and it would be really awesome if it turned out awesome. But I only say that because I'm going to have pictures taken in the Autumn Weather and I'd really like my hair to compliment the autumness of the season, is all.

Thanks the most.

Stay unpredictable,

Emily

disclaimer: i liked it first

2010-10-20T09:55:00.003-06:00

In less than a week, Glee will play this season's Halloween episode based around Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Before Glee goes and makes it all popular and mainstream, I just feel like I need everyone to know--

I liked Rocky before Glee made it popular.

I know I'm not alone in this. And honestly, I'll be the first to admit that I haven't even attending a big showing or shouted "SAY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT" at Tim Curry with an audience full of dressed-up cult followers.

But since we all know what Glee did for Journey, who existed a long time before Glee, I'm expecting hoards of people (namely over-excited high school theatre kids) to run around singing Rocky like they know anything about it, which is why I just need to reiterate--

I liked Rocky before Glee made it popular.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work on my Magenta costume now in preparation for our viewing party.

emily's daily affirmation

2010-10-19T09:23:00.004-06:00

I'm sure most of you have seen this video at least 70 times. I have, and friend-Kelly only showed it to me on Saturday. It's pretty catchy.

My favorite part is "I love my... whole... HOUSE! CLAP."

It's inspired me to affirm my today.

My whole life is great.
I can do anything good!
I like my Ames.
I like anything with food.
I like my dad.

I like my friends.
I like my shows.

I like my Elizabeths.
I like my moms.
I like my Diet Cokes.

I like my yarns.

I like my haircuts I'm getting next week.

I like my boots.

I like my skinny.

I like my Judy.
I like my whole life!
My life is great.

I can do anything good!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
I can do anything good!

BETTER THAN ANYONE.

an open letter to don mckellar

2010-10-13T09:13:00.002-06:00

Dear Mr. McKellar,

Thank you for your existence. You are a funny, funny man. Also, Canadian.

Thanks also for your contributions to television and film and theatre, particularly your role as Darren Nichols in the brilliant Slings & Arrows; that film you wrote that I had to watch twice in TMA 114 which was actually quite beautiful, Thirty Two Short Films About Glenn Gould; and any/all participation in the conception and creation of The Drowsy Chaperone.

Word on the street is you're directing a film version of The Drowsy Chaperone, perhaps starring Geoffry Rush? Is this true? If this is true, please take into consideration my suggestion for your title character:

Love,

Emily

thoughts

2010-10-11T10:17:00.006-06:00

I've had a lot of important things on my mind lately.

Like how I possess the ability to "lose" within a few days what I spend the rest of the week "gaining," which probably explains the plateau I've maintained for the last three months. Sometimes I think about how losing these last 20 lbs would be so simple if I'd just stick to plan! And that's when I dive head first into the seven layer dip.

I've also been thinking about this notion of "dry shampoo," which is why I bought some the other day and tested it this morning. So far, not dreadfully impressed. I'm kind of disappointed that this product won't help me transcend another level of laziness.

And then there's that show Sister Wives which tempted me with two new episodes last night, only to inform me that the season finale is next week. After six episodes? I mean, I know that's how long season one of The Office was, but I didn't get into The Office till season two so it didn't sting like Sister Wives is stinging. It fascinates me. And makes me want to stalk polygs all over Lehi and American Fork.

Also, it's freezing cold in my office and I need some kind of serious space heater STAT or my fingers may fall off from frostbite.

And moreover, rather than planning for months in advance what I will be for Halloween, we kind of realized a few days ago that it's quickly approaching and WHAT WILL WE BE?! We've got at least the UVU theatre club party to go to (and Ames won the costume contest last year, keep in mind, so we've got to live up to last year's standard [I didn't qualify to win with him in spite of our coordinating costumes because I was/am not a student sniff sniff I don't care it's fine whatever]), and we seriously need to impress the 7-year olds in our Sunday School class at the church party.

So WHAT WILL WE BE? Right now we're thinking...

Choice A:(this is how I hug Ames all the time. I don't know if his face is filled with dismay because my eyes are closed blissfully as I spin him around)

Choice B:

Thoughts?

happy wednesday

2010-10-06T15:48:00.002-06:00

With all the whirlwind blustering around this place, with all LE DRAMA! and work work work, I almost forgot that it's

~*~*~*happy wednesday*~*~*~

I am happy that Ames's show opens tonight and he looks like Pince Eric:And rollerskates while blind-folded.I'm happy about the steady stream of friends I've had through my office today. It's so nice to like others and be liked.

I'm happy about this scarf thing I'm going to make for me and Julie and maybe other people, if they're lucky.
I'm happy about the crocheted headband and legitimate "fall clothes" I'm wearing, and about the rain.

I'm happy about the Zupas I had for lunch, in spite of the complete destruction I've had with Weight Watchers this week. I'm happy about new-friend-Lisa's assertion that a nutritional Bermuda Triangle is A-OK.

I'm happy about two paychecks coming in next payday instead of one.

I'm happy about the things on sale at Urban Outfitters, even though I can't have them. I'm also happy about the perfume friend-Emily got at Urban Outfitters a few weeks ago and how very lush it is, even though I don't/can't have it.

I'm happy that my neck/throat tension is easing up a little.

I'm happy about auditioning for Tale of Two Cities in a few months. I'm happy that I don't care that I'm already posting about an audition that isn't for a few more months.

I'm happy that I'm addicted to crocheting. I'm happy that sometimes (almost always) clothes don't get folded or dishes don't get washed or whatever because I'd rather just crochet for a few more minutes. I'm happy that I'm kind of pretty good at it, or at least getting there.

Fall! Fall! Fall!

I'm happy about the autumn decorations I put up in my living room, and about all the candles, and about the fact that I'm kind of okay at decorating so maybe I should do it more.

I'm happy about tomorrow being Thursday for all the television showwwwwwwwwws.

And maybe while I'm not exactly happy about it, I'm at least grateful for continued opportunity and experience to grow up just a little more and learn to be selflessly, genuinely happy for other people.

collecting is not the same as hoarding

2010-10-01T09:48:00.005-06:00

As mentioned previously, I've been watching a lot of that show Hoarders on A&E thanks to some good friends who are as fascinated/disgusted by other people as I am. I've since introduced it to a few select friends, and I delighted in their reactions as we gathered in my apartment to watch as a house was futilely disposed of three feet of cat poo, cat skeletons, 10 YEARS worth of HUMAN POO in garbage bags, and piles of larvae-encrusted sundry. They were as horrified as I had been the first time I watched it. Rightfully so.

Since beginning a viewership with Hoarders, I've become self-conscious (paranoid) about my delight in shopping and having pretty things and all the stuff in the back room that needs to be organized and put away but we just haven't done it yet.

Sounds like classic hoarder justification, right?

But we haven't! We just combined two half-households with our shared new household and all our storage stuff just needs going through. I promise. I have Plans for that back room.

In the meantime, I'm just so sorely tempted to go through the apartment and throw half of what we own just right in the trash. Or, I mean, take some of it to good will. Duh. We have lots of nice things. I'm just afraid we have too much of it, is all.

Also now that I've settled the fitful appearance, I'm getting super itchy about my house things. After I throw out half of what we've got, I will then replace it (slowly, not hoarderly) with things I l-u-r-v-e (not larvae).

For example,

urban outfitters

urban outfitters

notley upholstery

And luckily, we're not allowed to have pets in our apartment, so we don't run the risk of burying it under three feet of animal feces. Though wouldn't that chair look so much cuter with a puppy named Mops sitting on it?

We might also benefit from the funds to have such things, so I guess this means I'll be making a sacrifice to the thrifting gods and pray to find some gems over the next few weeks/months.

happy wednesday

2010-09-29T14:31:00.004-06:00

This is an experiment.

I don't tend to get into blog trends like "flashback friday" or whatever. I mean I appreciate those kinds of prompts for others-- keep writing them. I like reading them sometimes. I just don't tend to write them myself.

But in an effort to post more consistently and maybe look forward to a mid-week slump and even perhaps to enrich this blog with contributions of others, I'd like to start my very own

~*~*~*happy wednesday*~*~*~

On this Wednesday I am happy about my hair. I took a pair of scissors to my bangs on Friday and now I've got a nicely framing fringe again. It's also a very dark brown color, almost black, in an attempt to channel classy ladies like Audrey Hepburn and Krysten Ritter and maybe Katy Perry who makes up with quirk what she lacks in class.

It wasn't quite so hot today as it has been lately, which makes me happy because I think it means autumn is actually on the way.

I started a new baby blanket, which will be darling, using a pattern which I will use in the future on a grown-up blanket, which will also be darling, and the yarn of it makes me so happy.

Yarn in general is just so happy. Especially yellow kind.

I had a visit from Heidi today, which made me happy, and also saw Alexis and Kelly and had lunch with Mr. Ames, and all of those people are very happy, even when we're talking about serious things. Serious does not equal unhappy.

I'm starting some no-joking voice coaching this week, which will improve my skills and make me sing more, and singing always makes me happy.

I read this article today as recommended by my friend Julie, and the article itself isn't very happy, but it is very inspiring. It also made me feel good because I've come to a place in my life where I'm not striving to be quite so perfect. I don't need to be perfect. I'm not perfect. I have faults and quirks, and sometimes they're kind of funny. I'm happy being me, and I really wish everyone could be happy as themselves.

I've started watching Hoarders (which deserves a post of its own) and today, it makes me happy that I have a nice little apartment with nice furniture that is increasingly coordinating, with nice things on the wall, and without a layer (or a foot or three) of filth all over it. I'm happy Ames and I help each other keep it nice.

And as always, I'm happy that Haribo Raspberries exist and that I can eat them.

What are you happy for this Wednesday?

career path

2010-09-27T15:13:00.002-06:00

Given my sentiments about lipstick last week, I just wanted to follow up:

I wore lipstick six out of seven days last week. Because I'm not joking around anymore.

[I also finished reading The Hunger Games, which accounts for the fact that I just wrote a sentence followed by a clause. I'm not being a snob when I say that I enjoyed the book well enough, but I don't care to read the other two. My life will not change for better or worse for having not read them.]

You may be wondering how I chose various shades of lipstick to buy, since I'm severely lipstick impaired and terrified to buy something that will look dreadful with my coloring. Well of course I took the easy way out and bought the exact shade Jessica Biel wears in the commercial for the "Just Bitten" line of Revlon lipstain+balm. That's right-- I bought vampire-inspired lipstain. It's called "Passion." It is very pink and beautiful. It also makes me look ethereal and vampireish.
Incidentally, it's also nice and moisturizing, so I bet I'll buy more of this vampire lipstain+balm.

I bought some shirts at Express this week, which was kind of a big deal for me because I tend to feel like Express clothes have very slender cuts, which means things don't fit or flatter me. But I bought two shirts from Express, and they fit, and they're size medium, which is a triumph in the face of my unintentional weight maintenance.

I've been contemplating My Future lately (read: forever) and really trying to determine What Makes Me Happy.

1. Mr. Ames (duh)
2. Television
3. Clothes
4. Performing
5. Writing
6. Shopping
7. Having cool hair
8. Puppies
9. Good food
10. #s 2-9 involving Mr. Ames

Now that I've been graduated and in "the work force" long enough to appreciate that I've graduated and I'm now contributing to "the work force," it's time I start figuring a way to involve these kinds of things into a career. I understand that while it would be ideal to find a job that allows me to buy and wear clothes while having cool hair and then going home to eat good food and snuggle Mr. Ames and a puppy while watching television, I can't count on it.

I mean, in a perfect world...

But okay! Help me get creative, folks! What kinds of careers would allow me to mix-and-match these interests in a financially positive way?

Note: I like dressing myself and having my own cool hair and do not necessarily want to be responsible for the clothing and cool hair of others.

PS. I saw 30 Seconds to Mars on Saturday and Jared Leto tweeted a picture of me. LOOK THERE I AM CAN YOU SEE ME??

a plea

2010-09-22T09:19:00.004-06:00

Dear Universe,

It is September 22. It is the first day of autumn.

Why is it still 80 degrees outside?

You're making it difficult to wear all my fall clothes and layers, which I like so much more than summer clothes. It was perfect cardigan- and sweatshirt-weather in Maine a few days ago. This is a super shock to my system. Also, it's annoying.

Please quit it.

No love,
Emily

PS.
Keep it up and my system may become so shocked that I'll start wearing cardigans like this. So I mean, if you want this to happen...the sartorialist-paul smith, london
???

the year of me

2010-09-20T10:30:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I turned 24.

For some reason, 24 seems way older than 23. It's the year before 25, which is when things really start getting serious. So it's like 24 isn't a really big deal but it's definitely time to quit messing around.

I spent the majority of yesterday traveling because we were in Maine to celebrate my cousin's wedding on Saturday. I have serious things to say about Maine, which will be recounted in its own separate set of thoughts especially after I'm able to steal away pictures from Mr. Ames's phone, but this gives you the gist of what we enjoyed for four days:
Mostly I spent a lot of time eating things that are probably not high on the WW Approved list, namely:
1. Chips
2. Candy
3. Wendy's
4. Donuts
5. Ice cream
6. Oreos
7. Thai food
8. Homemade macaroni and cheese (with seconds)
9. Cornbread (with thirds)
10. French fries
11. Fried clams

To my credit, I only had a few bites of wedding cake so I only managed to fake-gain 8 pounds by the time I came home yesterday. It's always one step forward two steps back for me, but I'm determined to strap myself to the band wagon today, this first full day of 24, and I'm not turning back. 24 is in control where 23 failed to be. 130-in-24 is my new mantra.

Also, I'm wearing the dress I wore at the wedding, and it's belted. My hair is down and done, and I'm wearing scarlet lipstick. These are so many big steps for me, you have no idea. But I'm 24, so it's time to stop joking! Time to start living! Time to start wearing clothes like I meant to put them on this morning!

I'm getting those Oxfords this weekend, ps.

And now that I'm kind of used to being a grown up, I'm also going to use this year of 24 to prepare for 25 and beyond. I intend to have a clean house with the bed made and all the clothes put away and without dishes stacking up for days.

I intend to read books-- a variety of books-- and stop being a nonfictional snob. I'm still working on In the Devil's Snare about the Salem Witch Trials [sidenote: the authoress is my distant cousin, and she makes an assertion that the little girls weren't faking it (at least at first), and that the older girls weren't really either because they were probably suffering from some form of post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of living through the Indian Wars in the Southern Maine region. WHAT THE WHAT!], and I started The Hunger Games yesterday, which is teaching me to not be a snob because even though this writing-for-young-adults thing isn't my favorite, it's a pretty cool/weird story so far. Then I'm going to read Tale of Two Cities again. I stopped reading voraciously for a while. In 24 I will resume voraciously.

In 23 I had this bright idea to start studying French again. 24 will cultivate that idea. Follow-through.

In 24, I already feel a lot of the bittersweetness of theatre melting away. I'm moving in new directions and can't be brought down. I'm meaningful, I am filled with self-worth, I won't be jealous.

Maine reminded me about how much I love my family and about my ancestors. 24 will really plug away at that family history project that I started in 21 with my great-grandmother and -granfather's love letters. I want to know more details about my New Englander roots. I want to find out about the interesting little branches here and there that join the "main" lines of my ancestry. People are cool. The people I come from a really cool. I hope somewhere in Heaven they think that I'm turning out pretty cool to honor their coolness.

In 24, I want to write. I want to write a lot. And perform. And research. And SING! And take pictures. And become unresentful. I got really crabby toward the middle and end of 23, and kind of anxious all the time and panicky. I hated that feeling. Ending 23 in Maine with my family, in the fall, holding hands with Mr. Ames made me all relaxed and remember about how life is too short to be so worked up all the time. We were able to spend a few hours in Portland yesterday, right there on the warf with the seagulls and the fried clams, and my mom bought me this perfect little ring at a really neat store called Abacus--

Maybe it's silly, but 24 needs a Forget Me Knot ring to remember that being happy is so much better than being unhappy. It's so much better to wear lipstick and feel bold and pretty than to slink around with a sneer. It's okay to get headaches sometimes because there's something wrong with my sinuses, but it's not okay to get headaches because of frustration and self-imposed stress. 24 needs to forget ME not.

Mom also got us this perfect Brian Andreas print that made my breath catch in me when we saw it (which is how you know it's The Perfect Brian Andreas Print for you)--
--because that's what my whole life needs to be about.

And it's starting in 24.

hateful wardrobe

2010-09-13T10:14:00.004-06:00

Do you ever have those days where you're just fitful about things and you feel kind of in a creative slump? My creatively slumpy feelings tend to manifest themselves by being overcome with a sort of fitful rage against my wardrobe and appearance. It may have something to do with the fact that I'm starting to feel like I can wear clothes I felt like I couldn't wear before (remember that thing about wearing size 6 jeans what whaaaaaat!), so I want to embrace every single one of the slimly-cut blouses and dresses at Urban Outfitters and start wearing Oxford shoes. I also want to start wearing lipstick.

Mostly, fitfulness tends to translate into extreme malcontentedness with my hair, which remains unresolved in spite of my recent public resolution to just cut it off again. I tend to go short then long then real short then real long then medium then short, etc. etc. Maybe it's lucky I have a thyroid disease which makes my hair grow really fast so I can continue to change my mind so frequently. I also remain unresolved about the color issue, though let's be real-- I'm never going to get the gumption to stray too far from dark brown/brown/dark auburn.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have very much in my current-- and, admittedly, extensive-- wardrobe that would coordinate with things like Oxford shoes and certainly not lipstick. I also have this problem where I, at 10:30 each night, pump myself up to wake up the next morning in ample time to actually get ready and do my hair and wear enough makeup that I could half-convincingly wear lipstick and clothes that are more exciting than they are conservative, but then I'm just so sleepy that I roll out of bed 45 minutes late and I wind up in a boyfriend t-shirt and cardigan with my hair in a boring messy-bun on the back of my neck and a swipe of mascara that seems to ask "Why did I bother?"

Like right now.

Except the hair keeps switching between messy-down and messy-bun because I am, as ever, malcontented and fitful with it and desperately need a haircut of some kind.

I have a process by which I'm going to try to improve and become more happy with what I wear. For example, I've identified the fact that I'm obsessed with classsic, vintage-inspired, pretty things. Perhaps I can (read: should have) improve(d) this boring boyfriend t-shirt with an interesting necklace and/or pair of earrings.

Also, sacrificing that 45 minutes in the morning to do my hair would pull my head together enough to necessitate putting on makeup, which would encourage applying lipstick, which would give the illusion of being pulled together generally speaking, regardless of what I'm wearing.

Have the courage to wear those boots that I own.

And pull out the scarves again.

And it's almost legitimately fall, which means I'll start layering again, which always makes me feel a billion times better.

See, self? No need to go crazy with the wardrobe overhaul! The basic idea is that I just need to learn to do my hair and accessorize better!

So in other words, I can just go crazy with a jewelry overhaul. Perfect.

In other news, in spite of the fact that I ate A LOT of food this weekend (like, I mean a LOT), I've managed to lose 0.8oz since Friday. Perhaps this is positive as we head into my birthday/cousin's wedding weekend, which I will be celebrating by spending the next five days here:

See you on the East Coast, suckers!

inspiration

2010-09-10T12:08:00.004-06:00

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I know I was pretending like I was going to grow my hair out "for realsies this time."

Who am I kidding?

Here we go again.

Snip snip!

taco diet

2010-09-09T09:39:00.002-06:00

It's no secret that I love food. My food hobby is the reason I am trying to lose 40 lbs. It's also the reason why I lost 17 pretty ok and I'm now struggling to get over the -20 hump.

Good News: I bought myself a pair of jeans in a size 6 this week and medium shirts are fitting me the way they're supposed to (in other words, not skin-tightly).

Bad News: I can't seem to drop below 154.6. I'm determined to, but just can't seem to manage.

You'd think this would have something to do with my insatiable craving for tacos.

Best News of My Life: You're wrong about the tacos being bad for my waist.

The trick is to order everything off the Fresco menu at Taco Bell. They're essentially the exact same items as the not-Fresco menu, but instead of cheese, they have a delicious fresh salsa on top. 1 Fresco Crunchy Taco = 3 WW points. COULD IT POSSIBLY GET BETTER?

I mean, you do have to watch out. Because I get it-- those Taco BellGrande nachos are the most delicious ever. At 18 points per serving, they had better be delicious. But seriously, the Fresco menu has changed my life, since everything on the menu is like 8 points or fewer. Usually fewer. Especially if you spring for the expensive chicken or steak filling instead of beef.

And they say that spicy food gets your metabolism juiced. Bonus.

The bottom line is that I think I basically plan to eat frozen dinners, Haribo Raspberries, Baked Lay's chips, and tacos for the rest of my weight loss.

I'll see you at Fourth Meal, everybody.

my wedding is famous

2010-09-08T09:06:00.002-06:00

When I asked my friend Heidi to make my wedding dress, she took my mom and me up to the cutest, COOLEST fabric store called Yellow Bird Fabrics. They have the most beautiful selection and were so helpful, so in honor of our first anniversary, I sent them a few photos of the wedding to show them the results.

And then she featured the photos on the blog!

I feel so famous.

life and living

2010-09-05T23:42:00.009-06:00

It's nice to stay up late, knowing there's no reason to get up in the morning. I mean, of course there are cosmic reasons to get up in the morning, but I'm not working and Mr. Ames has to work all the day long and I'd go get that pass to the Rec Center but I think it's closed for the holiday and mostly I've just got piles of clothes lying around to be sorted, so in essence, there's no reason to get up on the morning.

What a weird, exhausting, reflective week. My little Grammy Green passed away Monday, so Sister and I flew to Buffalo on Tuesday for her memorial service on Wednesday, then came home with the whole fam Wednesday evening.
I was so glad to be there and even though it was very sad, it was also very happy. I like to celebrate the lives of people, especially people I love. I love this little lady very much. I'm glad she's in a place where she's happy and funny and strong again.

I saw a few relatives this week whom I haven't seen in upwards of ten years. Let's be real-- the difference between a 13-year old and an almost-24-year old is stark. I felt like I was completely getting to know them again. It made me sentimental for the proverbial Good Ol' Days.

We watched a home movie tonight which chronicled my 10th birthday-- my last one in Michigan, with lots of silliness with old friends at my birthday party, most of whom I've completely lost contact with. It was just a few months before we moved to New York, and my sister gave me a window hanging with some pansies from my mom's garden. In the video, I completely melted into a puddle about it. I guess it's nice to know I've always been sentimental? Validating somehow? I also found a handful of old pictures on my computer as I was searching for pictures of my Grammy, and in them are all these people who were so important to me at the time. In many cases now, we don't keep in touch. In spite of it, they're still important to me and I'm proud of our Once Upon a Time friendships. Do they remember me with a similar prick in their hearts? I think of where I've been since that 10th birthday, eating pizza with girls I met in kindergarten in the home where I have some of my fondest memories, and it makes me wonder what will be important to me when I face My Time at the end of my life.

What moments will I remember and cherish most?

What will I have (and have already) forgotten? Does it matter that I've forgotten them?

What does it mean to live a full life? Who determines it's full-ness?

I think I just want to be happy. Accepting the fact that life is transient, and that's okay, I just want to be happy. I'd like to be remembered for being happy. I'm going to try harder to be happy. And happy is as happy does.

not such a bad day

2010-08-26T15:17:00.002-06:00

So I went to HCTO to try on costumes for an Archive Costumes photoshoot tomorrow.

Things I learned
1. I should always wear vintage clothes from 1960-1975...
2. ...especially if said vintage clothes are quilted...
3. ...or involve any velvet pattern...
4. ...and are rompers.
5. I'M SKINNY.

Okay, it's relative, but guys-- seriously almost every thing I tried on not only fit, but looked awesome.

Then I went to Costco and ate a hot dog.

In other news, the Universe is collapsing upon me, but those are all stories for another day. Well, I'll tell you a quick one right now about how the battery in our car died last night, so we had Farmer's Roadside Assistance come help us jump it in case they would have to tow it, and after two attempts, it finally jumped, and then I was instructed to wait around for a half hour letting it run, but instead I took it straight to Pep Boys and it's a good thing I did because the car FAILED literally as I was pulling into the parking space and shifting into park. Phew! Got the battery changed, at least. But it's just an example.

Dear Universe,
I want to be friends, and I think you want to be friends too since after all this, there was that nice little slice of time in the fitting room where everything fit on my body. Even though things are going wrong, thank you for sucking in my waistline.
Love, Emily

question

2010-08-25T10:53:00.003-06:00

Are you allowed to buy "school clothes" in the fall, even if you're not going to school?

Does it help if you work at a school, even if you're not going to classes?

What if by "school clothes" I mean something like "this dress?"
1. I love clothes.
2. I love shopping.
3. I love shopping for clothes.
4. I love fall.
5. I love fall clothes.

Ergo,

6. I love shopping for fall clothes.

367 days

2010-08-23T10:16:00.003-06:00

In my recently disgruntled state, I failed to make a suitably sloppy post about my first wedding anniversary and What My Marriage Means to Me. Rather than get all gross, here are some pictures that I hope will adequately reflect upon August 21, 2009.

I love you, Mr. Ames!

fail!

2010-08-21T02:22:00.006-06:00

Things I did this week:
1. Dyed my hair almost-black brown.
2. Closed Big River tonight.
3. Started reading a fascinating book about the Salem witchcraft trials.
4. Watched 30 Rock.
5. WEIGHED IN EIGHT (8) POUNDS HEAVIER THAN LAST FRIDAY.

Last Week: This Week:

I guess this means we're seriously back to jumping on that bandwagon.

Yeesh.

boring

2010-08-17T11:29:00.002-06:00

Fact: I've become the most boring person on the planet.

How I Know I'm The Most Boring
1. I bum around a lot.
2. I don't really ever get ready in the morning.
3. My daily schedule leaves little room for spontaneity.
4. I blog about weight and ambition and crocheting.
5. Meanwhile, I've stopped losing weight and don't have an outlet for ambition.
6. I do a lot of crocheting. Like, a lot.
7. I order yarn online.
8. The most important debate in my life lately has been trying to decide what color to dye my hair.

Luckily, things do get spiced up a little when Robert Redford and Ralph Lauren show up to see Big River at Sundance. I mean, that is pretty neat. And it actually happened. Though of course I didn't see or speak to either of them, which returns me to my Most Boring status.

I had hoped my summer hobbies were going to be pilates, crocheting, and having cool hair. Well, here's my big confession involving pilates: I basically dove off the bandwagon. There's no pretense about falling off it-- I mean, it was one running-leap-swandive off the back of that bandwagon. Luckily I haven't been gaining so much as I've just been maintaining for the last month, but yesterday was the first time I actually did pilates in about 4.5 weeks. So much for that hobby.

And the cool hair business? Well that's still all up in the air. The red hair is appealing, but probably won't happen. I need a new cut like WHOA. I had half a mind to go blondeish a la Drew Barrymore in Music & Lyrics, but then I remembered how much I like having it very super almost-but-not-black dark. Since I can't cut it for a few days, I'm determined to get all the products to dye it dark this very day because it is so very painful to hate your hair.

At least the crocheting bit has had some follow-through. I've finished two afghans, I'm about to finish another baby blanket, I'm working on another baby blanket, and I'm waiting for my yarn order to come in the mail so I can start another afghan and another (you guessed it) baby blanket. All this successful, crafty industry is due in large part to the fact that I have about five hours every night to sit and hook while I wait for my cues to press PLAY on the music. But let's be real-- I'd be sitting at home in front of the television every night crocheting, not doing pilates, and hating my hair if I weren't doing Big River, so I guess I may have been just as industrious. Go figure.

So what have I become this summer? A lazy old woman with gross hair.

Who is also boring.

Two people un-followed my blog this morning. After this informative post, I wouldn't blame anyone else for doing quite the same!

i made this with my hands

2010-08-12T15:23:00.005-06:00

Remember how I started crocheting this blanket a few weeks ago, and it was meant to turn out like this?Well I finished! And it doesn't look exactly the same... In that, I realized about halfway through what I was doing incorrectly to make the squares all bubbly instead of flat, but since I was so far on my way to making all 56 of them, I decided the texture was cool and went with it.

And here it is!

It was a more difficult project than I perhaps should have started with, but as I've learned a lot lately this summer, go big or go home. I'm not one for going home (in the proverbial sense).

I'm sending it off to my sweet little wheelchair-bound grandmother this afternoon, who will hopefully find it cheerful and keep her toes nice and warm.

This has nothing to do with crocheting, except that Ames supports me in my silliness. He is cute.

ambition and mouse poop

2010-08-03T12:29:00.004-06:00

I'm working at Sundance Theater this summer after all. It's true that I wasn't actually cast in the show-- for the first time since I "assistant directed" Macbeth in high school, I'm working behind the scenes as the sound board operator. It's kind of legit. I mean, aside from the fact that I'm not getting paid and I don't get any comp tickets, I do get to press PLAY for 86 music cues and 19 sound effects while wearing a headset.

Also, the booth smells like mouse poop. It got pretty bad last night. All we're missing is a bed of cedar chips and a few of those CGI hamsters from the Kia car commercials for us to be little rodents in a cage. I even saw one of those mice run across the floor the other night. His name is Mickey. But oddly, being in the mountains with the smell of mouse poop (especially on humid nights (like last night)) has offered me a lot of clarity, especially in the last week.

These are some hard truths I've faced in the last few weeks:
- My job makes me feel awkward and it is very hard for me to be a grown-up working stiff.

- My weight loss intentions have slipped and while I haven't really gained, I'm not losing either. I've lost the motivation for it.

- Mr. Ames is supremely talented. He will be playing Robert in The Drowsy Chaperone this fall.

- This pushing PLAY business is the only theater gig I've landed this summer. I was not cast in The Drowsy Chaperone.

It has seemed lately like my life lacks focus-- like I don't know where I'm going or what I should be doing or how I should get there to do it. There are flashes here and there, but aside from coming to this job (which makes me feel awkward) and crocheting a lot, I've started to feel like maybe I'm not meant to do more than be a good, supportive wife and wait around for Husband to come home from rehearsal/performances each night. Life seems lackluster. I'm malcontented and frustrated and losing drive.

For about 72 hours I thought of giving up auditions altogether. It feels too hard, it seems to require too much-- how can I possibly contemplate the idea of trying this at a more professional level if I can't even seem to get noticed anymore in the community? Not being cast hasn't actually made me feel less talented, only under-appreciated. But is it worth it for me to put myself out there, to keep trying, to maintain a potentially misguided faith in myself if I seem to hear "no" more frequently than I hear "yes"? Is it worth all of these self-promoting, self-inspiring, potentially misguided faith-in-myself blog entries?

I think it is. I'm performing a basically mindless task, pushing PLAY when I'm told for this show I was kind of rejected from, and I'd still rather do it than not be a part of it at all. I'd rather push PLAY without pay, without comps, without my name in the program, than not be a part of it at all. I'd rather hunt for my crochet hook on the ground of a mouse poopy sound booth than not be a part of it at all.

Remember that speech Katie Finneran gave at the Tony's this year? Remember when she told me to focus on what I love, "because it's the greatest passport. It is the greatest road map to an extraordinarily blissful life"? Remember that?

Remember when Audra McDonald sat fifteen feet away from me and told me that I can't say no to myself. That if I want to play the role, "do not be the one to stop [myself]"? That "there will be plenty of other people who will do that for [me]"?

I'm going to be a big deal. Yeah, maybe part of that drive will be to stick it to anyone who told me I'm not a big deal. And to spite the mouse poop, because I'd prefer to not smell that summer after summer. And my Ames and I will be a big deal together because he's already a big freakin' deal. Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lose 25 more pounds and lighten up my hair so I can instill an outward sense of confidence in myself that will subsequently get me noticed more at auditions. Thank you.

why it's bad to crochet when emotionally overcome

2010-07-28T15:22:00.004-06:00

Because this happens:

And then your blanket will just be all askew when you stitch the patches together, guys.

i love craigslist

2010-07-28T12:05:00.002-06:00

Okay, so we're in the process of trying to move, right? I've been in this great little place for a year now, and it's in a PERFECT location, and it's been real good, but it's just becoming time to move on a little bit. I've been stalking KSL and Craigslist for weeks to see what places are available for us to move into, and decided I might as well post our place to see what kind of response I'd get.

Oh don't worry. It's been 48 minutes and I've had nine email and three voicemail inquiries.

Looks like we might get our place rented faster than we thought?

Crossing our fingers?

And let's hope we can find a place for ourselves PDQ.

pribbles and prabbles

priorities

up all night

finally welcome 2012

hallo

simple happy

elevenophile

tables turning

howjoo do

the unemployment project

~*~*happy wednesday*~~*~

why i believe

~*~*happy wednesday*~~*~

busting the habit

i am having a party

love fall

back on track

faqs

head in the game

-6.4 lbs what the whaaaaaat

day 3 - back up off of that cray-cray

how food makes me mad

day 1 - it begins

on your mark - get set

kicking a habit

a change

news briefs

self-actualizing my appearance

theens

bright and shiny

thoughts while congested

today's inspiration

because it's that summer time again

i'll be there for you

today's inspiration

not dying

today's inspiration

~*~*happy wednesday*~~*~

how i spend my evenings

good day

happy

self-improvement

nice is different than good

how i've been sad, and now i'm not, and will change my hair

long live the republic

best of times

happy batman day

tech week papercut

reflection

starting over

ring out wild bells

gloom-tastic

first post of a new year

today's inspiration

christmas wrap up

prabbles

CORRECTION

emily's favorite things

PS

i want to be like

two steps back

happy wednesday

just breathe

fashion validation

pants contention

happy wednesday

i want to tell you about my sister and that she was born

regarding the weather

disclaimer: i liked it first

emily's daily affirmation

an open letter to don mckellar

thoughts

happy wednesday

collecting is not the same as hoarding

happy wednesday

career path

a plea

the year of me

hateful wardrobe

inspiration

~~happy wednesday~~~

~~happy wednesday~~~

~~happy wednesday~~~